Hello, it's me

Well I have totally fallen off the blog path lately. I didn't realize that it's been a few...more then a few days since I've sat down and put my thoughts out into the world. It's not that I haven't thought about it, but I just haven't really figured out what I want to say.....but here it goes.

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, empty feelings, uncertainty and blessings. The last part is probably the most exciting part of the whole thing. Over the last few weeks I've been amazed by people. Everything from people’s ability to hurt me deeply to going above and beyond what I could ever imagine. I've realized a lot about who I am. I feel like I am always learning a lesson, a lot of repeats because I haven't fully learned them from the past. It gets old most of the time but others I find something else that I didn't realize from before. I've learned that I wear my emotions to close to for comfort and that I take peoples actions to serious. I also realized too that I care for people who could care less about who I am or what my life is about. I guess that's part of the "make up" of me. Does it mean I'd change it, not really...but I will guard my heart a little more closely and realize that sometimes I simply just have to walk away.

The whole blessing part of the last few weeks has really been a humbling experience. I have had a chance to see someone who I've known mostly on the business side of life on a personal side that I would have never imagined. But thankful for. Opportunities have presented themselves because this person prayed for me and helped me out of the stressful situation I've been facing. It's great when I step out of the way so GOD's plan can take place.

Oh the places I will go.....blessings to your life.

Words People

Words...Meaningful words, pointless words and hurtful words. Words of love, encouraging words, supportive words. Words every where and I think sometimes we are just too flippant with our words. I believe a lot of times we don't really treasure the words that we're given or the words that we say. Sometimes the words we use come flying out of our mouths before we even think about it and other times we don't use our words when we really need to.

I was thinking about this the other day. Words-in general. I was thinking of words that I use all the time such as "it's all good". This statement of words you'll hear from me when I am nervous, don't have the "right" words to say or when I just don't feel like getting into it with someone. I use them as safe words a lot. "Fine" another word that I use often, for me personally I feel like this word covers hurt for me. That it's really not "ok" with me, but whatever it is what it is...I don't like that word really. Makes me uneasy. Another word I use..."trust". This word doesn't come out of my mouth often but when it does, either it's been broken or it's been granted to someone.

Words...how do you use yours'? What is your statement of words that you use when it comes to life? What is your reasoning behind them? Do you ever think of the meaningless words that we use or the pointless words....or do you focus on the loving words, the supportive words, the trusting words. I am working on the later part of this. I want to be known as someone who lifts those up with my encouraging, supportive, trust, loving words....that is my hope.

The "weight" is no longer

Last night I hardly slept. It was for various reasons but I found myself at one point staring at myself in the mirror....wondering. Wondering what had happened in my life that I stopped caring what I looked like and started to let myself go...and a flash back happened. I remember early on in college when I first was introduced to the lunch room. You see all through k-12 I had packed my lunch. I can count on one hand how many times I'd purchase a school lunch and it was under 5!

But I remember the first few months I really stuck to eating healthy and all that-but then one day I remember a girl on our hall who came back to the room with ice cream and captain crunch on top of it. Everyone tried it and I was hooked. It was like a light switch went off in my head and I didn't care about the healthy stuff, I cared about the sugar and all the other horrible things when done out of moderation will make you have thunder thighs.

And last night while I stood in front of the mirror asking myself why I was still up, I thought about that moment and then other moments after that, that I threw reason and right to the wind and went with what everyone else was doing at the time. I'm hardly a follower in life, but when it comes to food I really am. I like to experience it, the taste, the texture, the way it makes me feel and I don't know when to stop sometimes.

Over the last year and a half that I started to get a grip on things I have felt that the bad behavior has really been in the fore front of my mind. It's had a large spot light on it, pointing out every weakness and temptation that might come my way. But the great part about it is that this time I have the mega phone of choice ringing in my ear and a picture of me when I am thinner that keeps me motivated. Yes I've stumbled, yes I've thrown in the towel and yes I get back up, brush myself off and push through these moments that try to make me stumble. Never easy but always interesting….this I promise!

Hello.....I don't know you

Well this week my HTC Evo phone that I have had for less the one year decided it no longer wanted to be in my life. It froze and never came back on. I have to say that one thing I don't enjoy is getting a new phone. Shocking I know. But I find that once I've taken the time to set my phone up and get things just the way I want, I don't want to change. But I found myself doing just that.

I like Sprint, I know some people don't care for them but I have always been treated really well and they always make sure that I am happy when I leave. I went into my sprint store and told them my problem with the phone that I had really enjoyed having. They tried everything, sounds like it was a matter of life and death. Side note-I think we treat our phones that way sometimes. Couldn't live with out it, do whatever we have to make it run etc. But like I said they tried it all, my phone was not going to come back on.

At this point I actually wasn't looking forward to what would come out of his mouth-you'll have to get another one. Really....and spend the next 4-5 days getting use to it, setting it up just the way that I want it. It's like a relationship....you have to learn all about them, get comfortable with them and hopefully it will be a lasting relationship....

Long story short-they introduced me to my new phone (took great care of everything too) and I have to say it's not been as easy to get to know it like the others. But its life, I need it for work, for life and I am hoping that this "relationship" will last longer then the last. :)

Reflect...

One of the things I really enjoy doing in my life is being near bodies of water. Ocean, lakes, whatever it might be. I find such peace when I am standing on the shore line and looking out over the vastness of the space.

In college I went to school that happened to be right up the hill from a large lake. I use to visit it before I ever attended college due to my brothers being their before I was. But I remember just having such a peace anytime I'd just take a moment and take it in. It was peaceful. I miss it! (A lot) I remember one night my freshman year of college a group of my friends had gone over to my brother’s house-which at the time was living on the lake. It was a small house-I think three rooms, one of them being the bathroom. But that's what made it fun; we thought it was cool at the time. My brother was out of town on business and had told me I could stay at his place for the weekend if I wanted. So I did. My friends came over and we hung outside because it was one of the most beautiful fall nights I can ever recall in my life. That same weekend one of my best friends from high school also was in town visiting his sister. Up to that point he had been one of the closest friends in my life. I remember sitting at the edge of the lake and we talked about life, what we'd do with our lives and I remember sitting there and having such peace about how my life would be, how it would all turn out. Surprising if I would have been shown a video of my life to come how I wouldn't have felt that way.

I reflect on that night often, it was one of the most poignant nights of my life and there really wasn't any big reason why. It just was. I miss not being close to a body of water and I find myself longing to go back, to have that again....

All in due time....all in due time.

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

It's me....life is a little overwhelming right now...but you know that already. I need you, always and forever. I need you now, I need you in a few hours, I need you tomorrow and I need you for the rest of my life.

I don't know what else to do, I am scared, I am tired and I am worried but I know that you will take care of all things, no matter what. Help my to trust that, to trust and rest in this moment right now. Help me to never forget that you are the provider of my life and you have and you will always provide...all that I need.

I love you, Me.......

Peaceful moments...

Over the last few days I've been in a state of peace. Maybe not to those around me but inward I have had peace. The song that seemed to be the theme of these moments is the song by Twila Paris "My lips will praise you."

It's pretty simple actually:

Chorus
My lips will praise You
For You are holy
My voice will ever rise
Before Your throne
My heart will love You
For You are lovely
And You have called me
To become Your own

Bridge
I am Your own
And I will worship You alone
I am Your own
I am Your child
I am Your own
And I will worship at Your throne
I am Your own
And I will love You

This is how I want my life to be, simple and to the point. I want to take each moment in, enjoy it and have peace about it. It's so hard to do in this world now a days...but that is what I am working towards.....peace.