My little 6 year old

You know one thing that I love about birthdays....you start a new "chapter" per say. Your not waiting till Jan. 1st (unless that's your birthday) to enjoy your age, reflect on the past year, get excited about what this new age will bring you. Yesterday we celebrated Makayla's 6th birthday. I wish I could remember what it was like to be 6...though Makayla does a really good job of giving me a glimpse of what it uses to be like. It's a tradition now that on her birthday we go to 91, a local restaurant and enjoy a quiet fine dining dinner. It was nice....last night was no different. But one thing was definitely changing....my little girl is no longer this little girl that you need to always do things for, she was doing things, ordering things on her own. When did this change?

We tend to spend most of our lives encouraging our children to be independent and do things on their own and before we realize it they are and we become sad because we're not "needed" to help with those things anymore. It's like a catch 22 for sure. We want them to be independent but we want to still be needed. I see that this is something that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life....that normal balance.

I reflected a lot in my mind yesterday of the day she was born. I recalled who I called first at 4:30am to let them know that I was having her. I remember what seemed to be stacks of papers to sign about having surgery-remembering that it would say "may cause death" and not being afraid, I signed and don't really remember reading it. But it is probably a good thing that I didn't-I wouldn't have wanted to go through with it...but of course I didn't have a choice. :) I remember the "ride" down the dim hallway to the operating room and how cold it was. I remember even though it was June how very cold everything seemed to me. I remember the bright lights of the OR and recalling the nicest nurse who talked with me till I fell asleep...or they gave me too much medication to knock me out. I recalled the moment that I woke up and the same wonderful nurse was holding Makayla and introduced me to her....then I threw up....

Yeah you didn't expect that did you?!?! Honestly out of the whole experience I look back and laugh. One being that this isn't a uncommon occurrence for me...usually it's a great sign that things are going to be ok if I throw up....the one and ONLY time I didn't....the day I got married. Should have been a clue! Just saying....

Last night I reflected on the evening when all the "craziness" of the day began to settle down and I held this tiny little beautiful baby girl in my arms and I wept. I was a mother; I had held a life in my hands that would need me for the rest of our life here on earth. This little life that had no clue of all that was going on around her, but she would know very quickly how loved she was, that she would never live one single day with out knowing that she was loved unconditionally and that no matter how hard things might become, we'd get through it together as a team.

Memory is a funny thing...as time goes on there are definitely certain things I don't remember unless someone reminds me...I think it is something GOD gave us to be able to block out those things that hurt so deeply and replace them with loving and funny memories. In those coming days I'd be reminded of the love those who cared so deeply for me would be necessary to remember to get me to where we are today. Birthdays will always be a big deal to Makayla and I. We celebrate life, love and joy that we've been given.

6 years ago my life forever changed and I am so thankful that it was GOD's plan and not mine.....be blessed today.

Birthday time!

Happy Birthday to me precious little girl as she is 6 today! Hard to believe that she is 6...sometimes it feels just like yesterday that I was waiting for her to arrive and other days it feels like 6 years. I am so thankful, so blessed and humbled that I have been given the chance to be her mother in this life. GOD is good all the time!

We will celebrate this day, this precious little life and look forward to what all will happen when you are 6!

So here it goes....

This could very well be one of the hardest blogs I've ever written and to be honest I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face. I don't write many blogs while in tears; I feel that it makes me to vulnerable actually. But tonight there is no way to get past it. Today was hard and there is a lot to it but here’s the thing....over the last few days I have literally been moved to tears by those that are dealing with the weight of the world and my heart begins to feel heavy knowing that the pain in which so many carry is great. I love those that are so close to my life and I love walking this path of life with each of them but sometimes it's just overwhelming to watch people deal with so much grief and heart ache.

I could sit here and tell you how frustrated financially I am and how I need another car fast...but all of that seems so small and trivial when I read about a beautiful couple and how they lost 3 little boys too soon. The way that they have handled themselves, shared their faith and seemed to be able to comfort so many has been so humbling for me. As I read through their blogs and comments I wonder how I would be able to handle such a burden in life and then I am reminded....GRACE.

I heard a song today as I was traveling around all about grace. It said "give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful, this life is not long but it's hard. Give us grace to go on and faith to make us willing and able." Those words have been on my mind since...

6 years ago my life forever changed in good ways and not so good ways. 6 years ago who I thought I was would be tested, would be tried, would be hurt, would be heart broken, angry, betrayed and devistated. 6 years ago I entered a new stage of life that like it or not would forever change the course of what I thought my life would be like. 6 years ago sometimes seems a lot longer then other times. On the other hand sometimes it feels just like yesterday that all of this happened. Though it would be years of dealing with the above feelings, I would finally come to a day like today and deal with it face on...finally! It is time that I put all this behind and realize that I have become a better person, I have learned so much about who I was meant to be, who I will be and what I will and will not put up with in my life. I have learned that love though great in fairy tales isn't what I grew up thinking it would be like. I have learned that in the most darkest of moments who true friends really are. I have embraced the challenges of this path, I have pushed away the rocks that block the doorways that I must enter. Who I was 15 years ago (high school) is someone that I miss often but thankful for who she was. The person I am today will continue to grow, learn, love and trust but only by faith.

**Side note: Thankful, thankful thankful for friends. While I was in mid tears my cell phone rang and usually I won't answer it when I am writing, something about losing my train of thought-but the person that called doesn't usaually call me after 5...so I knew it wasn't normal. But it was a blessing because that person took my thoughts off all this saddness and helped me realize and see what was most important. For a brief moment everything seemed ok....thank you my dear dear friend!

I will take nothing for granted, I will embrace this day and be thankful for the next.

Broken...not yet

See this picture-broken glass....simple right! It's a symbol for so many things in my life. Where to start?!?! 6 years ago this week this picture would symbolize what would happen on the 11th of June. The picture of a marriage I once had would look like this picture. A few years later when my grandmother passed away on my birthday this picture would symbolize how I felt. Anytime someone has hurt me, broken my heart, back stabbed me...this picture would represent it. But here's the great part about this picture....

All those pieces can and have been put back together again. No matter how many pieces I break into, I am always some how, some way put back together. Each time that I am put back together I become stronger, I realize more about my life, I understand more of who I am, what I want in life and what HIS purpose is for my life.

This week has already been full of news that no one wants to hear, news of ending marriages, losing a loved one, losing babies, losing a job, facing a sentence for a crime you didn't commit, situations out of their control. But I have also heard the news of a new baby, a new house, a cleared health bill....the pieces of many have fallen apart this week already, but I'm here to help them pick these pieces of life up, help them put them back together...many have stood with me to put my pieces together and it's now my time to do the same in return.

No one said this life would be easy but we know that we don't do this alone. I find strength in that.

Who am I?

Who am I? That could be a loaded question. But I'd start by saying that I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a best friend...the list really could go on and on but something, someone said to me a few weeks ago that I could be a writer. Really? Me? I can hardly put the right grammar and sentences together so let a lone becoming a writer would be the last thing I'd say I was.....

But then I started to think about that statement. What would I write about? What have I been writing about? What I am writing about, is it even important to anyone...or just me. Then I started to re read through my journals and different blog entries and I started to realize a pattern. You don't have to be an excellent writer, you just write from the heart and that's what I do. I write from the heart. Whatever might be on my heart or mind that day is what ends up coming out onto paper.

Don't get me wrong sometimes there are things, thoughts that I'll never share with anyone-but we should all have those moments for ourselves and not feel like we need to share everything. We need to keep some sort of "personal" feelings, thoughts to ourselves. But when you speak from the heart then it should be easy.

For instance if I didn't write about this I was going to share about all the hardships that so many of my friends are facing this week, seems like more then unusual but I was also going to share that this week my little girl will be 6 and all the memories of this week 6 years ago flash back in waves. I also thought about sharing some personal dreams and goals. But today you got the fact that I might be a writer....but only when I write from the heart.

May today be a blessing for each of you!

Moving to the.....song

Do you ever hear a song and the first time you hear it you think to yourself that this will be a song that you'll listen to over and over....then you really listen to it. You get past the beat and all that and you really listen to it...then you realize that the song that you thought you liked....isn't the case.

I love music, if you know me well you know that I feel like life needs to be lived by a song. I love to sing, I love to listen and I love to just take it all in. Music is powerful, it can change a life, it can complicate it as well...but it's powerful. I challenge you this week to really listen to music. Not just the songs you hear over and over on the radio, but to find other songs that maybe you don't really listen to. You'd be surprised at what you come across. It's also good to just listen-sure helps me to listen in life.

If I had an athem for life...hmmm that would be pretty interesting to say the least, but one thing is for sure I'd have plenty to chose from!

Enjoy the music!

Oh and the weight loss-it's flat lined for the moment. Still have lost -114 pounds since starting this whole process, just need to get another shock to get back at it.