Let's get funny!

It's time to tell a funny on myself. Just needs to happen. Some of you already know that a few weeks ago I had knee surgery. Not to worry, they saved my knee. Just kidding, nothing to be saved. Just fixed. But anyways my surgery was December 23rd, early Christmas present for myself. If you've known me long enough you will know that I get nervous about everything and anything. It's all the unknowns that set me over the edge sometimes. I like to know, not really a big fan of surprises unless the surprises come in the form of diamonds or things like that....

For weeks leading up to my surgery I asked anyone and everyone who had ever had a surgery what it was like, what to expect. I needed details. Even the morning of my surgery I was quizzing my dad on what he went through 5 years earlier with his knee surgery. I really should of just kept to myself and realized that I was in the best hands with the best surgeon in the state...all would be OK. But anyways the morning of my surgery I kept telling myself that all would be fine and I wouldn't have any problems. Side note-my dad is great! Many already know this, but he took his whole day to go with me, sit forever and be protective of me. It was great to have him there with me.

We arrive, check in and wait...it really will be the theme of the day WAIT. I waited about 30 minutes before they took me back for pre op. Once that was done (40 minutes later) they brought my dad back to sit and WAIT with me. My surgery was to be at 1pm, but unlike the airport even though you show up 2 hours early doesn't mean your going to get to your surgery (aka plane) on time. After an hour and 45 minutes of waiting my dad left to get lunch. Something at the moment I wanted to do as well....but he left and I waited. Finally after 2 hours and 15 minutes of waiting, it was time to fix this knee. As they begin to wheel me back to the operating room I begin to have this nervous feeling and panic begins to set in. I thought for a moment I'd just hop off the bed and tell them we'd need to do this another day or maybe I'd just pass out from being nervous. Neither happened....but as we turned the corner to this very WHITE and wide hallway all the nervous and panic left. I don't remember much once I got into the room other then one nurse writing the number 14:21 which I assumed was the time and the other nurse strapping my arms to the table. (not something I enjoyed as I don't like to be confined) But before I realized it the other nurse said "Amanda all you need to do is sleep." And I did. Boy oh boy was it the BEST sleep I had EVER had. I know I dreamed, but don't remember what. But all of a sudden I went from a peaceful sleep to waking up feeling like someone had run over my knee.

The two nurses that had taken me into surgery where now wheeling the bed to recovery. I had an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth which I wanted to take off as soon as possible. I was in a haze but I could feel major pain. I also felt the side of my face was wet, but quickly realized that it was tears. First thought, I was paralyzed because I couldn't move my right knee, but that soon vanished when I thought to myself if I was paralyzed I wouldn't feel pain...duh! First DUH moment...

The bed came to a stop in room 22...pre op I was in room 5...moving backwards...not always a good thing. Actually never a good thing. But anyways, I woke up and the first thing I noticed was the clock on the wall said 3:45pm. And then I realized an older lady standing at a computer typing away, checking monitors. I needed her attention fast because this pain that I first felt went from someone running over my leg to a hammer bashing it in over and over again. I didn't know what was happening, where I was or why I was there...and I began to cry. Actually I burst-ed into tears. Immediately the nurse came to the side of the bed and said "it's OK, are you in pain." If I actually had any sense about me at that moment I think my reply would of been "Hmm what do you think, maybe...a little." But my reply was "WHERE AM I and IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP." Which she replied with, I am so sorry, you just had knee surgery and we will give you morphine. Hallelujah!!!! Which she did three times before I left....looking back I laugh because I can only imagine what that nurse was thinking. She did tell me it was OK, I wasn't the first to cry and I won't be the last. Always good to know...I don't like being last ;)

I'm on the road to recovery....it's had it's moments but I'm thankful that I can laugh at myself.

Hello 2012

I almost forgot that I had a blog....really, I did until I was reading someone else's and realized how cool it would be to have time to sit down and write about whatever you wanted....then I remembered "Hello, you use to do that." So when I logged into my page and realized how very sad it was and that I had neglected it for 2 plus months....I realized that I missed it. I also realized in my journal (not on line, actually written journal-it) has been neglected for 4 1/2 months....Yikes! I missed being able to write about whatever was on my mind, maybe some insight I had from being out in the world that day....or just to say hello. A new year is here and I bet all of us have some sort of optimistic idea that it's going to be a great year. Why not, it's new, fresh and full of blank pages just waiting to be scribbled on or colored in. I know I am, guilty as charged. I believe that we have the ability to make each year the way we want it, but we just usually let the world, other people and all the blah of life take over and then when we look back on it we forget all the really great, fun, wonderful and exciting things that happened. So this year....2012 I will make a conscious effort to embrace the great, positive, wonderful and exciting things that will happen. Yes I get it, there will be valleys and moments that we won't want to walk in, but that's ok....it's life. It will happen, but I will enjoy the ride. So....what's new and exciting so far with your new year?

Is it that time again?

Hard to believe that in two days I'll celebrate another birthday. This time the big 33 will be my new number. This is a special number for my mom too-this is how old she was when she had me. When she first started talking about this number I thought to myself what life will be like when Makayla turns 26 and she will be the age I was when I had her....sometimes it's hard to think past the next moment. But it's never hard to look back and reflect..... It really feels like yesterday that I turned 32. I was so looking forward to being 32, I had so much happening in my life, new friends, new opportunities and a new slate to keep me focused on what I was trying to accomplish for the coming year. It just doesn't seem possible that 365 days had passed once again. It really was in a blink of an eye. This past year I left my job I had last year and started with a new company, still trying to figure out really what my purpose is, my heart tells me one thing but my mind and bank account tell me another. I really wish all three would get on the same page. This time last year certain people that where in my life I thought would stay in place but that hasn't been the case. What I thought was going to be hasn't been. But this past year has been full of lessons, trust, unknowns and hope. I can't complain because I have been given another year....I am now singing on the worship team at our church which is a blessing. Makayla is healthy and happy, she is such a joy in my life. Just today she was walking through the house singing Jingle Bell Rock at the top of her lungs. Days like this I just love, embrace them and be thankful for them. I don't know what this year will bring, no one does. I sometimes wonder if we'd really want to know. Maybe, but then where is the surprise? I'm looking forward to celebrating 33 on Wednesday with my family and then celebrating over the weekend with my friends. Birthday's are special for me, for some reason I make a big deal out of them. I want to celebrate for the whole week, but they really are only important to the person that's having them. I've learned that over the years too. :) But I embrace this new number and I'm so very thankful for what I've learned over the last year and I am ready to walk into this year with open arms and take on whatever might come our way. Blessings to you and your family.

Thanksgiving in the smallest form

This thanksgiving may you and your family be blessed. Let us not forget all that we have been given, all that we've been through and realize that we have so much to be thankful for. Blessing to you and your family....

Mistakes....lessons

"You can never make a mistake a second time. Because the second time you make it, it's a choice, not a mistake." Well to be honest this is the most clear comment I've read in a long time. How true, first time is a mistake the second time is a choice and then you live with the outcome, no matter what. I really hold this comment to a lot of relationships in my life. I feel like I continue to make the same mistakes, choices when it comes to it-so it's my choice and I can't call it a mistake. It's been awhile since I've had a moment to write my thoughts. Though I have a lot of them, doesn't it figure I can't think of a single one. There has been a lot that has been going on in my life. It's been the smallest things to the largest unknown I've been up against....and honestly no matter how great or how bad it might get, I am thankful. For the lessons mostly....how I learn more about myself and how even though I don't always think or believe it, I am strong. I was given a gift to hold a lot on my shoulders even when I don't think I can add one more thing. I'm thankful for what I learn from other people. How they view situations and circumstances in my life, or their own. I fell that the people in my life now are here at just the right time. Thankful....that's what I am, no matter how many laughs, tears, moments of uncertainty I am OK....we will be OK.

A Scarlet Letter

Well my dear friends it's been a few weeks since I've sat down to write anything. But I have been thinking a lot......and a lot I mean by 24/7. There isn't a moment that my mind isn't going, thinking of things in the past, the present and what the future holds. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to certain moments that where defining moments of my life. I also have been looking towards the future....knowing that no matter what happens I'm ready, my daughter is ready, my family is ready....but my heart is still heavy. A few days ago I was reading a blog and the person writing it was making reference to single mothers-I caught myself for a second feeling sorry for them and then it hit me I was one of them. I don't see myself in that "category"...but I am. She listed it like this.... There are women whose husbands have died. There are women whose husbands have left. There are women who don't know the father. There are women who asked him to leave. There are women who are safer on their own with their children. There are women who never married, who chose from the start to do it alone. There are women who are married, he is present, and yet she parents all alone. Then she went on to say that no matter what the case might be they are still mom's...they are still the ones that walk around this world with their hearts on the outside and they some how get a scarlet letter assigned to them because of one of the above situations in life. No matter what happens....it shouldn't be that way. I found myself having a "moment" this morning. I was talking to my mom about life, about things that have been happening, how people have viewed me, my situation and people don't always understand a situation before they decided that you need to hear their opinion...and lately this life, this world, this place I'm in EVERYONE has an opinion about my life, how I should live it, why things happened the way they did and honestly most of the time I'd like to just walk away from them and say you just don't get it. I don't carry the scarlet letter....I won't. I won't allow this world to label me. God made me who I am and I am forever thankful for that....I am thankful for all the lessons, all the dark moments, all the unknowns....but most importantly I am thankful for the joy, the blessings and the peace that had come from it all. No matter what this life tries to "label" you....don't let them. We are all better then a label.

Some moments are meant to.....

Be forgotten! That's how it goes. Some moments are meant to be forgotten. This week has been one of those weeks. I've had moments in my life that happened, 8, 7, 4, 1 years ago this week and they need to be forgotten. I've moved on. That's the easiest part, to say it, but to believe it is another thing. I was talking to a dear friend the other day and we where talking about some of the things that have happened in my life, she made a really good point. She said you know at the time everything seemed right, you never went through all that to think that you'd have to go through some of your darkest days....but out of those dark days you've had some of the brightest days, moments of your life. She's right. Those moments though maybe good at the time, turned out to be pretty dark spots in my life, but I stuck with it and moved through them with ease....at least looking back it seemed that way. But I survived. I stayed the course and I survived! Things in my life are going good. I am looking forward to them staying that way. I've cut people out of my life that brought me down, that took the "joy" out of my life and I've moved on. I consider their time in my life just an opportunity to make me stronger as an individual and to realize that I don't need to be brought down. So that being said, the drama in my life has gone away and I'm thankful. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but focus on what today holds! It's all about learning. :)