One more time

I think this picture is perfect on how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to hold it together before all that we call life rolls through and takes all my pedals with it......OK maybe not that drastic, but it just feels like it.

I'm at a cross roads with a lot of things in my life. I'd think by this point in life I'd have enough figured out but daily I am reminded that I don't. And when I think I'm heading in the direction I need to be going....it's not. But what I have once again realized that it's not about what direction I think I need to be going, but it's the direction that GOD wants me to go in. And a lot of times I don't always understand or like the direction. For instance, I had an opportunity for a new career path and I really thought that it was it. Everything "seemed" to fall into place, each step seemed right and I got closer and closer to the end result.....then the phone call came that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't understand, I was upset, angry, hurt and rejected. Why? I thought it was right, it seemed like it was, but it wasn't because it wasn't GOD's plan for my life. Something about it wasn't right, it wasn't HIS plan. Trust me it's hard to understand and even accept it. But it is the way it is....HIS plan, not mine.

I was reminded the other day, make all the plans you want but don't expect GOD to check with you when He's making His plans....OUCH would be the first reaction most of us might have, but then I am reminded that this isn't about me, this life isn't the end, it's just the beginning and that after all is said in done, I really want HIM in control of my life. It just makes sense.....but it's a lot of the time hard to accept.

I'm holding it together, I'm sorting through this....asking HIM what HE wants for me, where HE wants me to go, how HE wants me to live this life....I'm still learning, I'm still standing.....even when the storm rolls in.

Never good enough....

I'd like to think that at one point or another we have all felt this way, we are not good enough...

We hear someone explain a "perfect" someone or what they want in their lives, and you think to yourself what's wrong with me because I am those things, but not those things to that person. Never good enough.....

I've let myself feel that way to much in my life, that I've never been good enough for someone or something....

No one is perfect, and we will all look different when we get older, looks are not everything. Our world is to hung up on trying to achieve perfection, it's not real, it's not obtainable....stop wasting your time....

I know that I really am better then what they want or what that thing could be....I just let life and the world's ideas stop me from actually believing it........

It's tiring actually because I spend more time feeling sorry for myself because someone doesn't like me for me.....I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I believe I am something, someone pretty great. I have a lot to offer and even though people might not realize that, it's OK because I know that this isn't what life is all about. There is a bigger cause, there is more to life then this....I am good enough, I am loved and I am pretty great.....

Think....what?!

Think....that seems to be what I do all the time, well at least lately.....

I just can't turn it off, I wish that some how there would be a switch to shut your mind off for just a moment. But that doesn't happen with me. Even as much as I try to stop myself it doesn't work. Many people who know me know that I think a lot....really a lot! And though it might not always work in the best of ways, I am glad that I am who I am because I feel like I don't just walk into anything 1/2 way...I walk in with 100% commitment and ready to take on whatever it is I'm doing, saying or reacting to.

But here's the other part...I think a lot with my heart. I wonder how people will react, I wonder what they'll say, what the outcome will be and how much my heart will be effected. Though I don't believe it's wrong to think with your heart, I think it's hard to not make that the first thing that you go with. It's a daily struggle with me to not allow my heart to lead, but to let it follow....

Get on the band wagon for once

Well if you have watched TV, read the paper or been on social media the name Tim Tebow is well known by now. I have been and will always be a Steelers fan, I will stand behind that team. But that doesn't mean that I can't respect another player. Since the Bronco's beat the Steelers I've had this sense of not wanting to hear anymore about "Tim Tebow and the Bronco's". Then I checked myself....why was it that I was so tired of hearing that name....I realized that it was because he wasn't afraid to show who he really was, on and off the field. So I did some research on him and found out that he wasn't the person who I "thought" he was.

I read an article about how Tim will invite people who are battling life threatening illnesses with no cure in sight. He brings them to the game, talks with them and the whole thing, the whole day, the moments are about these people. He spends his time before the game and after with them. Win or lose, Highs or lows....it doesn't matter. He separates himself from what the "game" is all about and he focuses for that time on them. It's about the relationship and if there has ever been any time in my life that I've realized that it's the relationships that we form with people that matter, it's now. It's not about the game, it's about the people watching the game. It's not about the recognition, it's about what those people need. I was inspired and I was humbled to read these things because I fall so short on actually making a difference in the peoples lives that I come in contact with.

Tim Tebow has it going on, he get's it. He's about the bigger picture, he's about Christ and living for him. No matter what, no matter what other say, do or treat him, he doesn't back down, he doesn't change, it's his relationship with Christ and he lets nothing come between that. It's the greater good. Well played Tim Tebow......

Hello Lady

Your Beautiful....it was the song that's gone over and over in my mind for the last 4 days. It's by Mercy Me-which is a good group....good, great actually.

But what a week this has been. I can't begin to explain it. I've heard hard news to handle by people that I care and respect. I've had to deal with some hard truths of myself this week. I've had to stand by and watch dear friends that I care so much deal with such dark moments. It's been tough, and I find myself standing in front of the mirror not realizing who I'm looking at. I am showing the weight of others through myself and it's heavy. We are called to love, to care, to stand beside, so hold each other up but what happens when it's just so much that you wonder how you can be strong one more minute for anyone around you.....it's time to step back and pray.

There is a line in the song that I just feel is so true with me, "If they truly saw your heart they'd see to much." What a powerful statement in for my life. I love my heart....sometimes it's just tired, like this week. I will continue to be a support, someone to call, someone to rely on because we know in this life that there are a lot of people out there that could care less....I refuse to care less.

One more decision

One of the songs in my life that I love to listen to when I feel like there is nothing else I can do is Blessings by Laura Story. One of the lines is "what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if healing comes through tears...what is these are blessings in disguise." It's so true when you think about it. These trials that so many go through could be blessings on the other side. It's so hard to watch dear friends go through trials, challenges and valleys...sometimes it's so hard to sit back and realize there isn't much you can do, but I do know that I can pray....that's what I can do, pray.......

Let's get funny!

It's time to tell a funny on myself. Just needs to happen. Some of you already know that a few weeks ago I had knee surgery. Not to worry, they saved my knee. Just kidding, nothing to be saved. Just fixed. But anyways my surgery was December 23rd, early Christmas present for myself. If you've known me long enough you will know that I get nervous about everything and anything. It's all the unknowns that set me over the edge sometimes. I like to know, not really a big fan of surprises unless the surprises come in the form of diamonds or things like that....

For weeks leading up to my surgery I asked anyone and everyone who had ever had a surgery what it was like, what to expect. I needed details. Even the morning of my surgery I was quizzing my dad on what he went through 5 years earlier with his knee surgery. I really should of just kept to myself and realized that I was in the best hands with the best surgeon in the state...all would be OK. But anyways the morning of my surgery I kept telling myself that all would be fine and I wouldn't have any problems. Side note-my dad is great! Many already know this, but he took his whole day to go with me, sit forever and be protective of me. It was great to have him there with me.

We arrive, check in and wait...it really will be the theme of the day WAIT. I waited about 30 minutes before they took me back for pre op. Once that was done (40 minutes later) they brought my dad back to sit and WAIT with me. My surgery was to be at 1pm, but unlike the airport even though you show up 2 hours early doesn't mean your going to get to your surgery (aka plane) on time. After an hour and 45 minutes of waiting my dad left to get lunch. Something at the moment I wanted to do as well....but he left and I waited. Finally after 2 hours and 15 minutes of waiting, it was time to fix this knee. As they begin to wheel me back to the operating room I begin to have this nervous feeling and panic begins to set in. I thought for a moment I'd just hop off the bed and tell them we'd need to do this another day or maybe I'd just pass out from being nervous. Neither happened....but as we turned the corner to this very WHITE and wide hallway all the nervous and panic left. I don't remember much once I got into the room other then one nurse writing the number 14:21 which I assumed was the time and the other nurse strapping my arms to the table. (not something I enjoyed as I don't like to be confined) But before I realized it the other nurse said "Amanda all you need to do is sleep." And I did. Boy oh boy was it the BEST sleep I had EVER had. I know I dreamed, but don't remember what. But all of a sudden I went from a peaceful sleep to waking up feeling like someone had run over my knee.

The two nurses that had taken me into surgery where now wheeling the bed to recovery. I had an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth which I wanted to take off as soon as possible. I was in a haze but I could feel major pain. I also felt the side of my face was wet, but quickly realized that it was tears. First thought, I was paralyzed because I couldn't move my right knee, but that soon vanished when I thought to myself if I was paralyzed I wouldn't feel pain...duh! First DUH moment...

The bed came to a stop in room 22...pre op I was in room 5...moving backwards...not always a good thing. Actually never a good thing. But anyways, I woke up and the first thing I noticed was the clock on the wall said 3:45pm. And then I realized an older lady standing at a computer typing away, checking monitors. I needed her attention fast because this pain that I first felt went from someone running over my leg to a hammer bashing it in over and over again. I didn't know what was happening, where I was or why I was there...and I began to cry. Actually I burst-ed into tears. Immediately the nurse came to the side of the bed and said "it's OK, are you in pain." If I actually had any sense about me at that moment I think my reply would of been "Hmm what do you think, maybe...a little." But my reply was "WHERE AM I and IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP." Which she replied with, I am so sorry, you just had knee surgery and we will give you morphine. Hallelujah!!!! Which she did three times before I left....looking back I laugh because I can only imagine what that nurse was thinking. She did tell me it was OK, I wasn't the first to cry and I won't be the last. Always good to know...I don't like being last ;)

I'm on the road to recovery....it's had it's moments but I'm thankful that I can laugh at myself.