A little overwhelmed.....or a lot...

Nothing like new directions and changes to bring on raw emotion. It has been a long time since I've felt this way...and I can't remember why. But this afternoon was another reminder on how strong I am not. Yes you read that right, I'm not strong, I'm weak and most of the time I bottle all of it up to put on a front that I have everything together. But today this new opportunity with my career really opened up the flood gates of raw emotion on how I'm not strong. I don't know this....it's been a good 4 years since I've been in this new industry and it feels very weird....

4 years ago life was completely different and the times have totally changed. I believe in myself because I know and trust that GOD never gives us more then we can't handle. The great part about that statement is that HE is the one that's handling it. It's all touched His hands first and then He passes it onto us because He knows that there is a lesson in it that we need to learn, that we need to rely on Him once again. And today, I am putting it all in His hands. There are going to be challenges, changes, growing pains, valleys but the great part about that is that I'll learn something new about me, I'll become stronger, I'll climb to the top and I'll embrace all that's been placed before me. But I won't get their alone, and I can't/won't do it alone. It was such a surreal moment that I felt like parts of today I relived 4 years ago. I could close my eyes and see things that happened in the past....but then I remember that it's in the past for a reason. To learn from, to grow from, to realize the person you needed to become. I stepped away and realized how much I've grown from that place 4 years ago and I now have the opportunity to write a new chapter with a much better outcome.

There are a lot of unknowns but what I do know is that this is a test, this will only make me a better person. This will only help me step outside the comfort zone that I've spent so much time in....it will bring me closer to the plans HE has for me....pretty cool.

Thank you heavenly father for never giving up on me.....thank you for wrapping your arms around me and reminding me that no matter what YOU stand beside, in front and behind me....YOU will guide my path.....

February 14th....it's the day that most people celebrate, buy the cards, the flowers, the candy...it's a fantastic holiday for Hallmark. I think I remember reading some where that this is the highest grossing holiday for them. I believe it because people feel like it's their get out of jail free card. If I get all these things on this day, the other 364 days are OK if I just "get by". I think it's good to celebrate with your kids, but every day should be Valentines Day.

We take so much for granted, life really. We think that we'll live forever, that moments can't define us, that we will see another day. When really none of us are safe from no more tomorrow's. So why not celebrate and tell those you love, that you love them every day. No matter what. No matter how busy we get, how involved we become, we can't take the moments for granted.

Over the years I've let my heart lead and many times it's not gone the way that I've wanted, ended in hurt and brokenness. But what I've learned is that I am stronger and I'm understanding. Odd combination of words really...strong but understanding...I don't give my heart out as much any more but that's OK, it's life. I am learning to embrace the moments, each of them daily....it's pretty amazing.

Enjoy this day, but celebrate it each day!

One more time

I think this picture is perfect on how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to hold it together before all that we call life rolls through and takes all my pedals with it......OK maybe not that drastic, but it just feels like it.

I'm at a cross roads with a lot of things in my life. I'd think by this point in life I'd have enough figured out but daily I am reminded that I don't. And when I think I'm heading in the direction I need to be going....it's not. But what I have once again realized that it's not about what direction I think I need to be going, but it's the direction that GOD wants me to go in. And a lot of times I don't always understand or like the direction. For instance, I had an opportunity for a new career path and I really thought that it was it. Everything "seemed" to fall into place, each step seemed right and I got closer and closer to the end result.....then the phone call came that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't understand, I was upset, angry, hurt and rejected. Why? I thought it was right, it seemed like it was, but it wasn't because it wasn't GOD's plan for my life. Something about it wasn't right, it wasn't HIS plan. Trust me it's hard to understand and even accept it. But it is the way it is....HIS plan, not mine.

I was reminded the other day, make all the plans you want but don't expect GOD to check with you when He's making His plans....OUCH would be the first reaction most of us might have, but then I am reminded that this isn't about me, this life isn't the end, it's just the beginning and that after all is said in done, I really want HIM in control of my life. It just makes sense.....but it's a lot of the time hard to accept.

I'm holding it together, I'm sorting through this....asking HIM what HE wants for me, where HE wants me to go, how HE wants me to live this life....I'm still learning, I'm still standing.....even when the storm rolls in.

Never good enough....

I'd like to think that at one point or another we have all felt this way, we are not good enough...

We hear someone explain a "perfect" someone or what they want in their lives, and you think to yourself what's wrong with me because I am those things, but not those things to that person. Never good enough.....

I've let myself feel that way to much in my life, that I've never been good enough for someone or something....

No one is perfect, and we will all look different when we get older, looks are not everything. Our world is to hung up on trying to achieve perfection, it's not real, it's not obtainable....stop wasting your time....

I know that I really am better then what they want or what that thing could be....I just let life and the world's ideas stop me from actually believing it........

It's tiring actually because I spend more time feeling sorry for myself because someone doesn't like me for me.....I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I believe I am something, someone pretty great. I have a lot to offer and even though people might not realize that, it's OK because I know that this isn't what life is all about. There is a bigger cause, there is more to life then this....I am good enough, I am loved and I am pretty great.....

Think....what?!

Think....that seems to be what I do all the time, well at least lately.....

I just can't turn it off, I wish that some how there would be a switch to shut your mind off for just a moment. But that doesn't happen with me. Even as much as I try to stop myself it doesn't work. Many people who know me know that I think a lot....really a lot! And though it might not always work in the best of ways, I am glad that I am who I am because I feel like I don't just walk into anything 1/2 way...I walk in with 100% commitment and ready to take on whatever it is I'm doing, saying or reacting to.

But here's the other part...I think a lot with my heart. I wonder how people will react, I wonder what they'll say, what the outcome will be and how much my heart will be effected. Though I don't believe it's wrong to think with your heart, I think it's hard to not make that the first thing that you go with. It's a daily struggle with me to not allow my heart to lead, but to let it follow....

Get on the band wagon for once

Well if you have watched TV, read the paper or been on social media the name Tim Tebow is well known by now. I have been and will always be a Steelers fan, I will stand behind that team. But that doesn't mean that I can't respect another player. Since the Bronco's beat the Steelers I've had this sense of not wanting to hear anymore about "Tim Tebow and the Bronco's". Then I checked myself....why was it that I was so tired of hearing that name....I realized that it was because he wasn't afraid to show who he really was, on and off the field. So I did some research on him and found out that he wasn't the person who I "thought" he was.

I read an article about how Tim will invite people who are battling life threatening illnesses with no cure in sight. He brings them to the game, talks with them and the whole thing, the whole day, the moments are about these people. He spends his time before the game and after with them. Win or lose, Highs or lows....it doesn't matter. He separates himself from what the "game" is all about and he focuses for that time on them. It's about the relationship and if there has ever been any time in my life that I've realized that it's the relationships that we form with people that matter, it's now. It's not about the game, it's about the people watching the game. It's not about the recognition, it's about what those people need. I was inspired and I was humbled to read these things because I fall so short on actually making a difference in the peoples lives that I come in contact with.

Tim Tebow has it going on, he get's it. He's about the bigger picture, he's about Christ and living for him. No matter what, no matter what other say, do or treat him, he doesn't back down, he doesn't change, it's his relationship with Christ and he lets nothing come between that. It's the greater good. Well played Tim Tebow......

Hello Lady

Your Beautiful....it was the song that's gone over and over in my mind for the last 4 days. It's by Mercy Me-which is a good group....good, great actually.

But what a week this has been. I can't begin to explain it. I've heard hard news to handle by people that I care and respect. I've had to deal with some hard truths of myself this week. I've had to stand by and watch dear friends that I care so much deal with such dark moments. It's been tough, and I find myself standing in front of the mirror not realizing who I'm looking at. I am showing the weight of others through myself and it's heavy. We are called to love, to care, to stand beside, so hold each other up but what happens when it's just so much that you wonder how you can be strong one more minute for anyone around you.....it's time to step back and pray.

There is a line in the song that I just feel is so true with me, "If they truly saw your heart they'd see to much." What a powerful statement in for my life. I love my heart....sometimes it's just tired, like this week. I will continue to be a support, someone to call, someone to rely on because we know in this life that there are a lot of people out there that could care less....I refuse to care less.