No hurry....

Well it's been awhile since I've writen in my blog. A little to long. I realize that when I was journaling daily that I felt better, now that I wait months between post I feel scrambled. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things. So what's new.....

A lot of things are new, exciting, scary and just plain unknown. I've started my own business 2 months ago with my friend Matt. Won't lie, it's been interesting and overwhelming at the same time. I feel like I should know what I'm doing and that this should just be second nature but it's not. It's been ok, we've been some what busy but I want to be so busy that I can't see straight. I know that it will take 2 solid years to at least get it going. I know that it won't just happen over night, but I want it to happen. This has really also been a test of my prayer life. I feel like I'm on an island by myself and really the only thing I can do is pray. So pray I am....

I've been reminded a lot lately that it's not telling GOD what you think he wants to hear or what you want done, it's listening and thanking him for what he has already done and what he will be doing. It's a hard concept to grasp sometimes because all I want to do is just tell him what I want in life-and then I think it's going to be ok. But lately my prayers have been struggles and unknown feelings. I know that he already knows what's going on, he just wants me to tell him.

The seasons are changing and so are the seasons of my life. It's hard to believe that 7 years has come and gone. 7 years ago I would of had no idea what I would be doing today, owner of my own business. But if all that wouldn't of happened I'd never of had the opportunities and chances to meet the people I have in my life. God knew what he was doing-though I might not of understood at the time, he did. That's hard to understand sometimes as well-I'd just like to be clued in on what's going on before it happens. I'm not much for surprises. They make me nervous....but that's not how God works. So I adapt...

All this being said, it's good to be back. I hope that I can at least start getting my thoughts out more often-more for me, and if you enjoy it, then thank you! :)

7 years

When someone tells you that time doesn't stay still...no joke. I blinked and 7 years has passed my by. In 5 days my little girl will be turning 7...I can't believe it really. I remember thinking that 5 years was a lot, I did a lot of poundering around that time of all that had changed, but 7 years has a different feeling.

I remember all that happened like it was yesterday...I remember what I did the days that followed up to Makayla's arrival. Though I wasn't expecting her till the 24th...she arrived early. I was working for Manpower Inc. at the time and I remember the companies and businesses that I visted. I remember all the ladies that I worked with would say, "oh it's just a matter of time." I did all the laundry so I would just be ready...I made sure that everything was good to go for her arrival.

The night before she was born I remember feeling so tired and how I just needed some rest to get through the rest of the week. Unknown to me that only a few hours from then she would be here in the world. June 10th was the day that my life took a direction that I didn't even think I was ready for.....

As I held her in my arms that morning my heart was filled with such joy, love, peace and excitement...to be a mom, to have this little girl was everything. But in the same moment that I was feeling all this, my marriage was falling apart. I was facing seperation and divorce....How could this moment be happening? This was to be the best moment of my life because I became a mom, but it was also the same time that I was all alone. In the physical sense...I was alone.

What I didn't realize till years later that God had been preparing me for that moment, He was working in my life to make me stronger, to trust Him more, to realize that He was already and always had been in control. It would take me several years to finally look back on that moment and realize the two paths that my life was taking. I was going to be single but I was also going to be a mom....

In a short amount of time after Makayla was born, we moved back home and the life I know soon began to take shape. I watched her room turn from a babies room to now a little girls room....how the years have passed us by. I am forever thankful for how life has turned out....actually it is so much better this way then if things would of stayed the other way. It's hard sometimes to see the bigger picture, but I am thankful that God prepared me for all of this. He continues to move me in His direction and make me realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful that I know Him, that I have that relationship with Him...we are blessed....our lives are blessed and this year when I celebrate Makayla's 7th birthday I will have continued joy in my heart. I'll hold dear to the moments of holding her when my world was falling apart and having peace. I'll hold tight to knowing that each step of this journey would never be possible with out my faith, my family and prayer. I take mothing and no moments of my life for granted. They are all gifts given to me.

My Dearest Makayla,

Happy 7th Birthday my beautiful daughter. I am so very thankful for you and what a blessing you are in my life. You are a blessing to so many and have touched so many people over the last 7 years, I can never say thank you enough to our heavenly father for allowing you to be my beautiful daughter here on earth. I look forward to watching you grow and knowing that each steo we have together is to be charished. I love you my dear.

XOXOXOX
Mommy

What's been going on....

Well it's surprising to me that it's been almost 4 months since I've taken a moment to write in my blog. But in those four months a lot has happened, new job, new car, good things, bad things and all the in between. It's been a roller coaster ride with friends and it's been a journey with new....my life has pretty much shown me that none of this is in my control. I have no say in what really will happen, I am along for the ride. And what a ride it's been....

I was looking back over some of the blogs that I had posted and boy I miss it. I miss sitting down and putting my thoughts on "paper". Even if no one else reads it, it's good for me to just get my thoughts out and move on. The last four months have been full of new experiences, good and bad. It's been about lessons, good and bad. But most of all it's been about reflection of who I am and what I need to do, good and bad.

I'd like to think that I've made all the right choices, but that isn't the case. Last night I was talking with a friend and we started talking about past relationships and what we learn from them, good and bad. And when the question was possed to me, I blanked out. I couldn't remember, I couldn't focus on what it was I really learned from it. But what I did realize was that I am such a stronger person because of it. I realized that all the trust issues that I have had stem from those relationships and the reason that I hold so many at arms length is because of what happened in those times. But most importantly I realized that I have so much to offer and that it's not just about the outwardness of someone, but it's who they are to the core......that's been the hardest thing to really work through over the last few months. It's good to be back, it's good to re focus and it's good to write it out....have a good night ;)

What is....

I'd like to believe this statement is true....but lately, for over 5 plus years I wonder if there really is someone out there that does love. I'm great at loving and falling for someone when all along they never felt the same for me. I'm the pro at that....it hurts, and it's getting old. Many times I wonder how many times will I go through all this before I learn, obviously I haven't learned it enough and obviously I don't know how to actually get past it....

I just want to mean something to someone....but it's like I am never "good" enough. Though I'm great at being everyone's friend. Guys love having me as their friend because it's just like their sister. I don't want to be their sister. I want to be the person they fall in love with. But I'm just not good enough for that with people. I'm just really good at being everyone's friend...nothing more.

I continue to remind myself that this isn't home.....

A little overwhelmed.....or a lot...

Nothing like new directions and changes to bring on raw emotion. It has been a long time since I've felt this way...and I can't remember why. But this afternoon was another reminder on how strong I am not. Yes you read that right, I'm not strong, I'm weak and most of the time I bottle all of it up to put on a front that I have everything together. But today this new opportunity with my career really opened up the flood gates of raw emotion on how I'm not strong. I don't know this....it's been a good 4 years since I've been in this new industry and it feels very weird....

4 years ago life was completely different and the times have totally changed. I believe in myself because I know and trust that GOD never gives us more then we can't handle. The great part about that statement is that HE is the one that's handling it. It's all touched His hands first and then He passes it onto us because He knows that there is a lesson in it that we need to learn, that we need to rely on Him once again. And today, I am putting it all in His hands. There are going to be challenges, changes, growing pains, valleys but the great part about that is that I'll learn something new about me, I'll become stronger, I'll climb to the top and I'll embrace all that's been placed before me. But I won't get their alone, and I can't/won't do it alone. It was such a surreal moment that I felt like parts of today I relived 4 years ago. I could close my eyes and see things that happened in the past....but then I remember that it's in the past for a reason. To learn from, to grow from, to realize the person you needed to become. I stepped away and realized how much I've grown from that place 4 years ago and I now have the opportunity to write a new chapter with a much better outcome.

There are a lot of unknowns but what I do know is that this is a test, this will only make me a better person. This will only help me step outside the comfort zone that I've spent so much time in....it will bring me closer to the plans HE has for me....pretty cool.

Thank you heavenly father for never giving up on me.....thank you for wrapping your arms around me and reminding me that no matter what YOU stand beside, in front and behind me....YOU will guide my path.....

February 14th....it's the day that most people celebrate, buy the cards, the flowers, the candy...it's a fantastic holiday for Hallmark. I think I remember reading some where that this is the highest grossing holiday for them. I believe it because people feel like it's their get out of jail free card. If I get all these things on this day, the other 364 days are OK if I just "get by". I think it's good to celebrate with your kids, but every day should be Valentines Day.

We take so much for granted, life really. We think that we'll live forever, that moments can't define us, that we will see another day. When really none of us are safe from no more tomorrow's. So why not celebrate and tell those you love, that you love them every day. No matter what. No matter how busy we get, how involved we become, we can't take the moments for granted.

Over the years I've let my heart lead and many times it's not gone the way that I've wanted, ended in hurt and brokenness. But what I've learned is that I am stronger and I'm understanding. Odd combination of words really...strong but understanding...I don't give my heart out as much any more but that's OK, it's life. I am learning to embrace the moments, each of them daily....it's pretty amazing.

Enjoy this day, but celebrate it each day!

One more time

I think this picture is perfect on how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to hold it together before all that we call life rolls through and takes all my pedals with it......OK maybe not that drastic, but it just feels like it.

I'm at a cross roads with a lot of things in my life. I'd think by this point in life I'd have enough figured out but daily I am reminded that I don't. And when I think I'm heading in the direction I need to be going....it's not. But what I have once again realized that it's not about what direction I think I need to be going, but it's the direction that GOD wants me to go in. And a lot of times I don't always understand or like the direction. For instance, I had an opportunity for a new career path and I really thought that it was it. Everything "seemed" to fall into place, each step seemed right and I got closer and closer to the end result.....then the phone call came that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't understand, I was upset, angry, hurt and rejected. Why? I thought it was right, it seemed like it was, but it wasn't because it wasn't GOD's plan for my life. Something about it wasn't right, it wasn't HIS plan. Trust me it's hard to understand and even accept it. But it is the way it is....HIS plan, not mine.

I was reminded the other day, make all the plans you want but don't expect GOD to check with you when He's making His plans....OUCH would be the first reaction most of us might have, but then I am reminded that this isn't about me, this life isn't the end, it's just the beginning and that after all is said in done, I really want HIM in control of my life. It just makes sense.....but it's a lot of the time hard to accept.

I'm holding it together, I'm sorting through this....asking HIM what HE wants for me, where HE wants me to go, how HE wants me to live this life....I'm still learning, I'm still standing.....even when the storm rolls in.