You know one thing that I love about birthdays....you start a new "chapter" per say. Your not waiting till Jan. 1st (unless that's your birthday) to enjoy your age, reflect on the past year, get excited about what this new age will bring you. Yesterday we celebrated Makayla's 6th birthday. I wish I could remember what it was like to be 6...though Makayla does a really good job of giving me a glimpse of what it uses to be like. It's a tradition now that on her birthday we go to 91, a local restaurant and enjoy a quiet fine dining dinner. It was nice....last night was no different. But one thing was definitely changing....my little girl is no longer this little girl that you need to always do things for, she was doing things, ordering things on her own. When did this change?
We tend to spend most of our lives encouraging our children to be independent and do things on their own and before we realize it they are and we become sad because we're not "needed" to help with those things anymore. It's like a catch 22 for sure. We want them to be independent but we want to still be needed. I see that this is something that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life....that normal balance.
I reflected a lot in my mind yesterday of the day she was born. I recalled who I called first at 4:30am to let them know that I was having her. I remember what seemed to be stacks of papers to sign about having surgery-remembering that it would say "may cause death" and not being afraid, I signed and don't really remember reading it. But it is probably a good thing that I didn't-I wouldn't have wanted to go through with it...but of course I didn't have a choice. :) I remember the "ride" down the dim hallway to the operating room and how cold it was. I remember even though it was June how very cold everything seemed to me. I remember the bright lights of the OR and recalling the nicest nurse who talked with me till I fell asleep...or they gave me too much medication to knock me out. I recalled the moment that I woke up and the same wonderful nurse was holding Makayla and introduced me to her....then I threw up....
Yeah you didn't expect that did you?!?! Honestly out of the whole experience I look back and laugh. One being that this isn't a uncommon occurrence for me...usually it's a great sign that things are going to be ok if I throw up....the one and ONLY time I didn't....the day I got married. Should have been a clue! Just saying....
Last night I reflected on the evening when all the "craziness" of the day began to settle down and I held this tiny little beautiful baby girl in my arms and I wept. I was a mother; I had held a life in my hands that would need me for the rest of our life here on earth. This little life that had no clue of all that was going on around her, but she would know very quickly how loved she was, that she would never live one single day with out knowing that she was loved unconditionally and that no matter how hard things might become, we'd get through it together as a team.
Memory is a funny thing...as time goes on there are definitely certain things I don't remember unless someone reminds me...I think it is something GOD gave us to be able to block out those things that hurt so deeply and replace them with loving and funny memories. In those coming days I'd be reminded of the love those who cared so deeply for me would be necessary to remember to get me to where we are today. Birthdays will always be a big deal to Makayla and I. We celebrate life, love and joy that we've been given.
6 years ago my life forever changed and I am so thankful that it was GOD's plan and not mine.....be blessed today.
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