No hurry....

Well it's been awhile since I've writen in my blog. A little to long. I realize that when I was journaling daily that I felt better, now that I wait months between post I feel scrambled. But hopefully I can get back into the swing of things. So what's new.....

A lot of things are new, exciting, scary and just plain unknown. I've started my own business 2 months ago with my friend Matt. Won't lie, it's been interesting and overwhelming at the same time. I feel like I should know what I'm doing and that this should just be second nature but it's not. It's been ok, we've been some what busy but I want to be so busy that I can't see straight. I know that it will take 2 solid years to at least get it going. I know that it won't just happen over night, but I want it to happen. This has really also been a test of my prayer life. I feel like I'm on an island by myself and really the only thing I can do is pray. So pray I am....

I've been reminded a lot lately that it's not telling GOD what you think he wants to hear or what you want done, it's listening and thanking him for what he has already done and what he will be doing. It's a hard concept to grasp sometimes because all I want to do is just tell him what I want in life-and then I think it's going to be ok. But lately my prayers have been struggles and unknown feelings. I know that he already knows what's going on, he just wants me to tell him.

The seasons are changing and so are the seasons of my life. It's hard to believe that 7 years has come and gone. 7 years ago I would of had no idea what I would be doing today, owner of my own business. But if all that wouldn't of happened I'd never of had the opportunities and chances to meet the people I have in my life. God knew what he was doing-though I might not of understood at the time, he did. That's hard to understand sometimes as well-I'd just like to be clued in on what's going on before it happens. I'm not much for surprises. They make me nervous....but that's not how God works. So I adapt...

All this being said, it's good to be back. I hope that I can at least start getting my thoughts out more often-more for me, and if you enjoy it, then thank you! :)

7 years

When someone tells you that time doesn't stay still...no joke. I blinked and 7 years has passed my by. In 5 days my little girl will be turning 7...I can't believe it really. I remember thinking that 5 years was a lot, I did a lot of poundering around that time of all that had changed, but 7 years has a different feeling.

I remember all that happened like it was yesterday...I remember what I did the days that followed up to Makayla's arrival. Though I wasn't expecting her till the 24th...she arrived early. I was working for Manpower Inc. at the time and I remember the companies and businesses that I visted. I remember all the ladies that I worked with would say, "oh it's just a matter of time." I did all the laundry so I would just be ready...I made sure that everything was good to go for her arrival.

The night before she was born I remember feeling so tired and how I just needed some rest to get through the rest of the week. Unknown to me that only a few hours from then she would be here in the world. June 10th was the day that my life took a direction that I didn't even think I was ready for.....

As I held her in my arms that morning my heart was filled with such joy, love, peace and excitement...to be a mom, to have this little girl was everything. But in the same moment that I was feeling all this, my marriage was falling apart. I was facing seperation and divorce....How could this moment be happening? This was to be the best moment of my life because I became a mom, but it was also the same time that I was all alone. In the physical sense...I was alone.

What I didn't realize till years later that God had been preparing me for that moment, He was working in my life to make me stronger, to trust Him more, to realize that He was already and always had been in control. It would take me several years to finally look back on that moment and realize the two paths that my life was taking. I was going to be single but I was also going to be a mom....

In a short amount of time after Makayla was born, we moved back home and the life I know soon began to take shape. I watched her room turn from a babies room to now a little girls room....how the years have passed us by. I am forever thankful for how life has turned out....actually it is so much better this way then if things would of stayed the other way. It's hard sometimes to see the bigger picture, but I am thankful that God prepared me for all of this. He continues to move me in His direction and make me realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful that I know Him, that I have that relationship with Him...we are blessed....our lives are blessed and this year when I celebrate Makayla's 7th birthday I will have continued joy in my heart. I'll hold dear to the moments of holding her when my world was falling apart and having peace. I'll hold tight to knowing that each step of this journey would never be possible with out my faith, my family and prayer. I take mothing and no moments of my life for granted. They are all gifts given to me.

My Dearest Makayla,

Happy 7th Birthday my beautiful daughter. I am so very thankful for you and what a blessing you are in my life. You are a blessing to so many and have touched so many people over the last 7 years, I can never say thank you enough to our heavenly father for allowing you to be my beautiful daughter here on earth. I look forward to watching you grow and knowing that each steo we have together is to be charished. I love you my dear.

XOXOXOX
Mommy

What's been going on....

Well it's surprising to me that it's been almost 4 months since I've taken a moment to write in my blog. But in those four months a lot has happened, new job, new car, good things, bad things and all the in between. It's been a roller coaster ride with friends and it's been a journey with new....my life has pretty much shown me that none of this is in my control. I have no say in what really will happen, I am along for the ride. And what a ride it's been....

I was looking back over some of the blogs that I had posted and boy I miss it. I miss sitting down and putting my thoughts on "paper". Even if no one else reads it, it's good for me to just get my thoughts out and move on. The last four months have been full of new experiences, good and bad. It's been about lessons, good and bad. But most of all it's been about reflection of who I am and what I need to do, good and bad.

I'd like to think that I've made all the right choices, but that isn't the case. Last night I was talking with a friend and we started talking about past relationships and what we learn from them, good and bad. And when the question was possed to me, I blanked out. I couldn't remember, I couldn't focus on what it was I really learned from it. But what I did realize was that I am such a stronger person because of it. I realized that all the trust issues that I have had stem from those relationships and the reason that I hold so many at arms length is because of what happened in those times. But most importantly I realized that I have so much to offer and that it's not just about the outwardness of someone, but it's who they are to the core......that's been the hardest thing to really work through over the last few months. It's good to be back, it's good to re focus and it's good to write it out....have a good night ;)

What is....

I'd like to believe this statement is true....but lately, for over 5 plus years I wonder if there really is someone out there that does love. I'm great at loving and falling for someone when all along they never felt the same for me. I'm the pro at that....it hurts, and it's getting old. Many times I wonder how many times will I go through all this before I learn, obviously I haven't learned it enough and obviously I don't know how to actually get past it....

I just want to mean something to someone....but it's like I am never "good" enough. Though I'm great at being everyone's friend. Guys love having me as their friend because it's just like their sister. I don't want to be their sister. I want to be the person they fall in love with. But I'm just not good enough for that with people. I'm just really good at being everyone's friend...nothing more.

I continue to remind myself that this isn't home.....

A little overwhelmed.....or a lot...

Nothing like new directions and changes to bring on raw emotion. It has been a long time since I've felt this way...and I can't remember why. But this afternoon was another reminder on how strong I am not. Yes you read that right, I'm not strong, I'm weak and most of the time I bottle all of it up to put on a front that I have everything together. But today this new opportunity with my career really opened up the flood gates of raw emotion on how I'm not strong. I don't know this....it's been a good 4 years since I've been in this new industry and it feels very weird....

4 years ago life was completely different and the times have totally changed. I believe in myself because I know and trust that GOD never gives us more then we can't handle. The great part about that statement is that HE is the one that's handling it. It's all touched His hands first and then He passes it onto us because He knows that there is a lesson in it that we need to learn, that we need to rely on Him once again. And today, I am putting it all in His hands. There are going to be challenges, changes, growing pains, valleys but the great part about that is that I'll learn something new about me, I'll become stronger, I'll climb to the top and I'll embrace all that's been placed before me. But I won't get their alone, and I can't/won't do it alone. It was such a surreal moment that I felt like parts of today I relived 4 years ago. I could close my eyes and see things that happened in the past....but then I remember that it's in the past for a reason. To learn from, to grow from, to realize the person you needed to become. I stepped away and realized how much I've grown from that place 4 years ago and I now have the opportunity to write a new chapter with a much better outcome.

There are a lot of unknowns but what I do know is that this is a test, this will only make me a better person. This will only help me step outside the comfort zone that I've spent so much time in....it will bring me closer to the plans HE has for me....pretty cool.

Thank you heavenly father for never giving up on me.....thank you for wrapping your arms around me and reminding me that no matter what YOU stand beside, in front and behind me....YOU will guide my path.....

February 14th....it's the day that most people celebrate, buy the cards, the flowers, the candy...it's a fantastic holiday for Hallmark. I think I remember reading some where that this is the highest grossing holiday for them. I believe it because people feel like it's their get out of jail free card. If I get all these things on this day, the other 364 days are OK if I just "get by". I think it's good to celebrate with your kids, but every day should be Valentines Day.

We take so much for granted, life really. We think that we'll live forever, that moments can't define us, that we will see another day. When really none of us are safe from no more tomorrow's. So why not celebrate and tell those you love, that you love them every day. No matter what. No matter how busy we get, how involved we become, we can't take the moments for granted.

Over the years I've let my heart lead and many times it's not gone the way that I've wanted, ended in hurt and brokenness. But what I've learned is that I am stronger and I'm understanding. Odd combination of words really...strong but understanding...I don't give my heart out as much any more but that's OK, it's life. I am learning to embrace the moments, each of them daily....it's pretty amazing.

Enjoy this day, but celebrate it each day!

One more time

I think this picture is perfect on how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to hold it together before all that we call life rolls through and takes all my pedals with it......OK maybe not that drastic, but it just feels like it.

I'm at a cross roads with a lot of things in my life. I'd think by this point in life I'd have enough figured out but daily I am reminded that I don't. And when I think I'm heading in the direction I need to be going....it's not. But what I have once again realized that it's not about what direction I think I need to be going, but it's the direction that GOD wants me to go in. And a lot of times I don't always understand or like the direction. For instance, I had an opportunity for a new career path and I really thought that it was it. Everything "seemed" to fall into place, each step seemed right and I got closer and closer to the end result.....then the phone call came that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't understand, I was upset, angry, hurt and rejected. Why? I thought it was right, it seemed like it was, but it wasn't because it wasn't GOD's plan for my life. Something about it wasn't right, it wasn't HIS plan. Trust me it's hard to understand and even accept it. But it is the way it is....HIS plan, not mine.

I was reminded the other day, make all the plans you want but don't expect GOD to check with you when He's making His plans....OUCH would be the first reaction most of us might have, but then I am reminded that this isn't about me, this life isn't the end, it's just the beginning and that after all is said in done, I really want HIM in control of my life. It just makes sense.....but it's a lot of the time hard to accept.

I'm holding it together, I'm sorting through this....asking HIM what HE wants for me, where HE wants me to go, how HE wants me to live this life....I'm still learning, I'm still standing.....even when the storm rolls in.

Never good enough....

I'd like to think that at one point or another we have all felt this way, we are not good enough...

We hear someone explain a "perfect" someone or what they want in their lives, and you think to yourself what's wrong with me because I am those things, but not those things to that person. Never good enough.....

I've let myself feel that way to much in my life, that I've never been good enough for someone or something....

No one is perfect, and we will all look different when we get older, looks are not everything. Our world is to hung up on trying to achieve perfection, it's not real, it's not obtainable....stop wasting your time....

I know that I really am better then what they want or what that thing could be....I just let life and the world's ideas stop me from actually believing it........

It's tiring actually because I spend more time feeling sorry for myself because someone doesn't like me for me.....I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I believe I am something, someone pretty great. I have a lot to offer and even though people might not realize that, it's OK because I know that this isn't what life is all about. There is a bigger cause, there is more to life then this....I am good enough, I am loved and I am pretty great.....

Think....what?!

Think....that seems to be what I do all the time, well at least lately.....

I just can't turn it off, I wish that some how there would be a switch to shut your mind off for just a moment. But that doesn't happen with me. Even as much as I try to stop myself it doesn't work. Many people who know me know that I think a lot....really a lot! And though it might not always work in the best of ways, I am glad that I am who I am because I feel like I don't just walk into anything 1/2 way...I walk in with 100% commitment and ready to take on whatever it is I'm doing, saying or reacting to.

But here's the other part...I think a lot with my heart. I wonder how people will react, I wonder what they'll say, what the outcome will be and how much my heart will be effected. Though I don't believe it's wrong to think with your heart, I think it's hard to not make that the first thing that you go with. It's a daily struggle with me to not allow my heart to lead, but to let it follow....

Get on the band wagon for once

Well if you have watched TV, read the paper or been on social media the name Tim Tebow is well known by now. I have been and will always be a Steelers fan, I will stand behind that team. But that doesn't mean that I can't respect another player. Since the Bronco's beat the Steelers I've had this sense of not wanting to hear anymore about "Tim Tebow and the Bronco's". Then I checked myself....why was it that I was so tired of hearing that name....I realized that it was because he wasn't afraid to show who he really was, on and off the field. So I did some research on him and found out that he wasn't the person who I "thought" he was.

I read an article about how Tim will invite people who are battling life threatening illnesses with no cure in sight. He brings them to the game, talks with them and the whole thing, the whole day, the moments are about these people. He spends his time before the game and after with them. Win or lose, Highs or lows....it doesn't matter. He separates himself from what the "game" is all about and he focuses for that time on them. It's about the relationship and if there has ever been any time in my life that I've realized that it's the relationships that we form with people that matter, it's now. It's not about the game, it's about the people watching the game. It's not about the recognition, it's about what those people need. I was inspired and I was humbled to read these things because I fall so short on actually making a difference in the peoples lives that I come in contact with.

Tim Tebow has it going on, he get's it. He's about the bigger picture, he's about Christ and living for him. No matter what, no matter what other say, do or treat him, he doesn't back down, he doesn't change, it's his relationship with Christ and he lets nothing come between that. It's the greater good. Well played Tim Tebow......

Hello Lady

Your Beautiful....it was the song that's gone over and over in my mind for the last 4 days. It's by Mercy Me-which is a good group....good, great actually.

But what a week this has been. I can't begin to explain it. I've heard hard news to handle by people that I care and respect. I've had to deal with some hard truths of myself this week. I've had to stand by and watch dear friends that I care so much deal with such dark moments. It's been tough, and I find myself standing in front of the mirror not realizing who I'm looking at. I am showing the weight of others through myself and it's heavy. We are called to love, to care, to stand beside, so hold each other up but what happens when it's just so much that you wonder how you can be strong one more minute for anyone around you.....it's time to step back and pray.

There is a line in the song that I just feel is so true with me, "If they truly saw your heart they'd see to much." What a powerful statement in for my life. I love my heart....sometimes it's just tired, like this week. I will continue to be a support, someone to call, someone to rely on because we know in this life that there are a lot of people out there that could care less....I refuse to care less.

One more decision

One of the songs in my life that I love to listen to when I feel like there is nothing else I can do is Blessings by Laura Story. One of the lines is "what if your blessings come through rain drops, what if healing comes through tears...what is these are blessings in disguise." It's so true when you think about it. These trials that so many go through could be blessings on the other side. It's so hard to watch dear friends go through trials, challenges and valleys...sometimes it's so hard to sit back and realize there isn't much you can do, but I do know that I can pray....that's what I can do, pray.......

Let's get funny!

It's time to tell a funny on myself. Just needs to happen. Some of you already know that a few weeks ago I had knee surgery. Not to worry, they saved my knee. Just kidding, nothing to be saved. Just fixed. But anyways my surgery was December 23rd, early Christmas present for myself. If you've known me long enough you will know that I get nervous about everything and anything. It's all the unknowns that set me over the edge sometimes. I like to know, not really a big fan of surprises unless the surprises come in the form of diamonds or things like that....

For weeks leading up to my surgery I asked anyone and everyone who had ever had a surgery what it was like, what to expect. I needed details. Even the morning of my surgery I was quizzing my dad on what he went through 5 years earlier with his knee surgery. I really should of just kept to myself and realized that I was in the best hands with the best surgeon in the state...all would be OK. But anyways the morning of my surgery I kept telling myself that all would be fine and I wouldn't have any problems. Side note-my dad is great! Many already know this, but he took his whole day to go with me, sit forever and be protective of me. It was great to have him there with me.

We arrive, check in and wait...it really will be the theme of the day WAIT. I waited about 30 minutes before they took me back for pre op. Once that was done (40 minutes later) they brought my dad back to sit and WAIT with me. My surgery was to be at 1pm, but unlike the airport even though you show up 2 hours early doesn't mean your going to get to your surgery (aka plane) on time. After an hour and 45 minutes of waiting my dad left to get lunch. Something at the moment I wanted to do as well....but he left and I waited. Finally after 2 hours and 15 minutes of waiting, it was time to fix this knee. As they begin to wheel me back to the operating room I begin to have this nervous feeling and panic begins to set in. I thought for a moment I'd just hop off the bed and tell them we'd need to do this another day or maybe I'd just pass out from being nervous. Neither happened....but as we turned the corner to this very WHITE and wide hallway all the nervous and panic left. I don't remember much once I got into the room other then one nurse writing the number 14:21 which I assumed was the time and the other nurse strapping my arms to the table. (not something I enjoyed as I don't like to be confined) But before I realized it the other nurse said "Amanda all you need to do is sleep." And I did. Boy oh boy was it the BEST sleep I had EVER had. I know I dreamed, but don't remember what. But all of a sudden I went from a peaceful sleep to waking up feeling like someone had run over my knee.

The two nurses that had taken me into surgery where now wheeling the bed to recovery. I had an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth which I wanted to take off as soon as possible. I was in a haze but I could feel major pain. I also felt the side of my face was wet, but quickly realized that it was tears. First thought, I was paralyzed because I couldn't move my right knee, but that soon vanished when I thought to myself if I was paralyzed I wouldn't feel pain...duh! First DUH moment...

The bed came to a stop in room 22...pre op I was in room 5...moving backwards...not always a good thing. Actually never a good thing. But anyways, I woke up and the first thing I noticed was the clock on the wall said 3:45pm. And then I realized an older lady standing at a computer typing away, checking monitors. I needed her attention fast because this pain that I first felt went from someone running over my leg to a hammer bashing it in over and over again. I didn't know what was happening, where I was or why I was there...and I began to cry. Actually I burst-ed into tears. Immediately the nurse came to the side of the bed and said "it's OK, are you in pain." If I actually had any sense about me at that moment I think my reply would of been "Hmm what do you think, maybe...a little." But my reply was "WHERE AM I and IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP." Which she replied with, I am so sorry, you just had knee surgery and we will give you morphine. Hallelujah!!!! Which she did three times before I left....looking back I laugh because I can only imagine what that nurse was thinking. She did tell me it was OK, I wasn't the first to cry and I won't be the last. Always good to know...I don't like being last ;)

I'm on the road to recovery....it's had it's moments but I'm thankful that I can laugh at myself.

Hello 2012

I almost forgot that I had a blog....really, I did until I was reading someone else's and realized how cool it would be to have time to sit down and write about whatever you wanted....then I remembered "Hello, you use to do that." So when I logged into my page and realized how very sad it was and that I had neglected it for 2 plus months....I realized that I missed it. I also realized in my journal (not on line, actually written journal-it) has been neglected for 4 1/2 months....Yikes! I missed being able to write about whatever was on my mind, maybe some insight I had from being out in the world that day....or just to say hello. A new year is here and I bet all of us have some sort of optimistic idea that it's going to be a great year. Why not, it's new, fresh and full of blank pages just waiting to be scribbled on or colored in. I know I am, guilty as charged. I believe that we have the ability to make each year the way we want it, but we just usually let the world, other people and all the blah of life take over and then when we look back on it we forget all the really great, fun, wonderful and exciting things that happened. So this year....2012 I will make a conscious effort to embrace the great, positive, wonderful and exciting things that will happen. Yes I get it, there will be valleys and moments that we won't want to walk in, but that's ok....it's life. It will happen, but I will enjoy the ride. So....what's new and exciting so far with your new year?