Mistakes....lessons

"You can never make a mistake a second time. Because the second time you make it, it's a choice, not a mistake." Well to be honest this is the most clear comment I've read in a long time. How true, first time is a mistake the second time is a choice and then you live with the outcome, no matter what. I really hold this comment to a lot of relationships in my life. I feel like I continue to make the same mistakes, choices when it comes to it-so it's my choice and I can't call it a mistake. It's been awhile since I've had a moment to write my thoughts. Though I have a lot of them, doesn't it figure I can't think of a single one. There has been a lot that has been going on in my life. It's been the smallest things to the largest unknown I've been up against....and honestly no matter how great or how bad it might get, I am thankful. For the lessons mostly....how I learn more about myself and how even though I don't always think or believe it, I am strong. I was given a gift to hold a lot on my shoulders even when I don't think I can add one more thing. I'm thankful for what I learn from other people. How they view situations and circumstances in my life, or their own. I fell that the people in my life now are here at just the right time. Thankful....that's what I am, no matter how many laughs, tears, moments of uncertainty I am OK....we will be OK.

A Scarlet Letter

Well my dear friends it's been a few weeks since I've sat down to write anything. But I have been thinking a lot......and a lot I mean by 24/7. There isn't a moment that my mind isn't going, thinking of things in the past, the present and what the future holds. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to certain moments that where defining moments of my life. I also have been looking towards the future....knowing that no matter what happens I'm ready, my daughter is ready, my family is ready....but my heart is still heavy. A few days ago I was reading a blog and the person writing it was making reference to single mothers-I caught myself for a second feeling sorry for them and then it hit me I was one of them. I don't see myself in that "category"...but I am. She listed it like this.... There are women whose husbands have died. There are women whose husbands have left. There are women who don't know the father. There are women who asked him to leave. There are women who are safer on their own with their children. There are women who never married, who chose from the start to do it alone. There are women who are married, he is present, and yet she parents all alone. Then she went on to say that no matter what the case might be they are still mom's...they are still the ones that walk around this world with their hearts on the outside and they some how get a scarlet letter assigned to them because of one of the above situations in life. No matter what happens....it shouldn't be that way. I found myself having a "moment" this morning. I was talking to my mom about life, about things that have been happening, how people have viewed me, my situation and people don't always understand a situation before they decided that you need to hear their opinion...and lately this life, this world, this place I'm in EVERYONE has an opinion about my life, how I should live it, why things happened the way they did and honestly most of the time I'd like to just walk away from them and say you just don't get it. I don't carry the scarlet letter....I won't. I won't allow this world to label me. God made me who I am and I am forever thankful for that....I am thankful for all the lessons, all the dark moments, all the unknowns....but most importantly I am thankful for the joy, the blessings and the peace that had come from it all. No matter what this life tries to "label" you....don't let them. We are all better then a label.

Some moments are meant to.....

Be forgotten! That's how it goes. Some moments are meant to be forgotten. This week has been one of those weeks. I've had moments in my life that happened, 8, 7, 4, 1 years ago this week and they need to be forgotten. I've moved on. That's the easiest part, to say it, but to believe it is another thing. I was talking to a dear friend the other day and we where talking about some of the things that have happened in my life, she made a really good point. She said you know at the time everything seemed right, you never went through all that to think that you'd have to go through some of your darkest days....but out of those dark days you've had some of the brightest days, moments of your life. She's right. Those moments though maybe good at the time, turned out to be pretty dark spots in my life, but I stuck with it and moved through them with ease....at least looking back it seemed that way. But I survived. I stayed the course and I survived! Things in my life are going good. I am looking forward to them staying that way. I've cut people out of my life that brought me down, that took the "joy" out of my life and I've moved on. I consider their time in my life just an opportunity to make me stronger as an individual and to realize that I don't need to be brought down. So that being said, the drama in my life has gone away and I'm thankful. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but focus on what today holds! It's all about learning. :)

One year....all the change you want.

Well it's late and I can't sleep. I normally don't have a problem with this, but there is so much happening in my life that I can't shut myself down at night....at least not lately. So tonight as I was laying in bed figuring out how to process everything.....I decided to write or in this case blog. And I'm about to share right from the heart....nothing unusual since I do this all the time. But here it goes: Change. I love it....I really do and I feel that this season we are coming into has the most beautiful change you can ever hope for. It's the kind of change that sometimes takes your breath away. I like change, every form of it actually. What's the motto, if your not changing your not living?? Well I agree with that. Some change will be good and some won't. But what I realized is that this coming week for me represents a lot of change for me. 8 years ago there was a change that took place and it forever changed the course of my life...at the time I thought it was for the best.....5 years later it turned out to be the worst change in my life. A year ago I made a big change and ended a friendship with someone who had been nothing but hurtful in my life. At the time that decision to make that change I thought was so hard, so upsetting in my life but looking back over the last year I've realized that it was the best change I could make. Not having that person in my life this past year was actually allowing me to "live" and to really see things for what they are, trust people for what they say and learn more about me as a person then I could of ever if I would of kept that person in my life. I don't doubt that something in the coming week will happen that will be all about change. Just seems to be that time of year.....but this time I'm good with it. People come in and out of our lives for all sorts of reasons and what I've grown to realize is that I hold onto nothing because it can be taken away in a single breath. I've learned to stand tall, speak my mind, think before acting, smile when there is nothing else to do.....and pray. I spend a lot more time in my car even though I "get to work from home." Because of being in my car more it means a lot more time to think...to process....to understand. The other day I opened myself up to a friend for just some encouragement and what I got back was total frustration. Actually how this person responded made me realize that this person really never cared about me as a person but to bring me down because they where unhappy with their life. Normally in a situation like this I would write the person off but this time.....this time I took it for face value and moved on with life. Life won't stop, never has stopped for anyone and that won't change. I understand that a lot of this tonight is ramble to many-but that's ok with me, because right now it's what I have to get off my chest and out of my mind so I can sleep tonight. I'm always changing, I work in an industry that is always changing, my beautiful daughter is always changing, my day to day life is always changing and I am great with that. God never promised an easy life, I don't believe things need to be easy. But he did promise that He would get us through it. So I look at it this way, I might struggle, people will hurt me, I will have trials and uncertainties but no matter what He'll get me through it. Big or small, doesn't matter the problem.....that's pretty cool if you ask me! Well I think I'm tired enough to stop....you know the whole "stop while your ahead...". Don't be afraid of this season your going through, there are good things to come from it. That's a promise.

Just for today....

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer. JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. JUST FOR TODAY, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself. JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my outlook on life. I will encourage others and find the good in people. JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions. Just for today.......

Simple

I like simple, don't you? I like when things just seem to "fit" into place. No questions asked, it's just simple. Well lately my life has been anything OTHER then simple. It's been a mixed up bag of emotions, up and down unknowns and simple is out of the question. The other day I found myself face to face with conflict that really when you look back never needed to happen. Normally I'm the type that will fire back on emotion and will not realize the consequences of those replies till it's too late. But for the first time in a very long time I stopped.....and I waited. I waited 5 whole days before I gave my response. I totally understand that it's not always a good thing to wait that long, but I had too. I will say I did write what I wanted to say as soon as I received the conflict....but I saved it, I held onto it and over the 5 days that I waited I re read it, I edited it, I deleted parts of it and re wrote other parts....but I waited. And I had peace with it. I realized something about this, it was simple, it was clear and it was clean. What I mean by all that is that it was direct in what I wanted to say, it was clear in what I wrote, nothing was left to question and it was clean-I left out all and any emotion that could be associated with it. It felt great! It felt right, it was so needed too. I realized that I like simple, but it doesn't come around very often-so when it does I need to stop, enjoy that moment no matter what it is. And wait. I have a hard time waiting....at least lately. I am done with letting people control my emotions. If they want to be jerks, let them be jerks, but not in my life. If they want to pick a fight, let them pick a fight, but not in my life. If they want to be negative, let them be negative, but not in my life....see a pattern here! I am done being the door mate for peoples negative, jealous, selfish, controlling ways. I like simple, I want simple and that means cutting out individuals who don't bring simple to my life. That might be a loaded and harsh statement but it's true. All of us can get past the negatives of life, but many chose to stay in them, they chose to get wrapped up in it. I find it sad and depressing and chose-I chose to not live my life that way. Regarding the emotional side of life. I usually respond 80% on emotion and the other 20% on life. But I also realize too that if you get stuck in the emotional side all the time that life isn't fun, it's just stressful. I am not saying that you shouldn't act on emotion, but only when it's right. And I believe you know when it's right. I'm learning a lot about my life, the changing of it. I'm in the 7 year change and I'm excited about it. There are new things that I am not use to, but I'm accepting. There are things that I use to do that I put on the shelf for a long time, but now I'm taking them off and utilizing them. It feels great, this change-I just need simple......it's so much better that way.

The way I am

I love this picture....it brings a sense of peace and BOY OH BOY....I've needed it. It's been a world wind of busy since the beginning of the summer that if you where to ask me to write out or tell you all that has happened it would either look like a pile of melted crayons or just a blank page with the word "Well.."

But I can't complain because it's been a summer full of blessings. Yes just like every blessing there has been something that I wish wouldn't of happened, but then how would I of ever learned who I was, how I react, how to get through, how to pray...all that. So I have come to the conclusion that I will embrace what I have been given, I will love every moment-good or bad. I will treat each day as a gift...it's the way I am going to be.

Makayla started kindergarten and it just doesn't seem possible. 6 years at times felt like it took forever but then I look back and it is a blur. It seems just like yesterday that I received the news that I was going to be a mom and before I could take it all in she is off to school and if I don't enjoy this moment before to long she'll be graduating and leaving for college-starting off her adult life. Please time, slow down just a moment so I take nothing for granted and that I enjoy this life, this ride.

Today I met a dear friend for lunch and I enjoy these times with her. I feel like it's a good connection and that I walk away feeling blessed to know her, to have her in my life. While I was sitting at the restaurant waiting for her a song came on-it was country which means I usually zone out-it's just the way I am. But today I listened...and to be honest I liked the song. So much that I googled it and downloaded it to my phone. But it talked about love, having it and that we take nothing for granted, we enjoy the ride. We embrace every moment because one day we'll look back and wonder what happened to all this time we thought we had.

So enjoy the ride, love the moment and be who you are!