What's been going on....

Well it's surprising to me that it's been almost 4 months since I've taken a moment to write in my blog. But in those four months a lot has happened, new job, new car, good things, bad things and all the in between. It's been a roller coaster ride with friends and it's been a journey with new....my life has pretty much shown me that none of this is in my control. I have no say in what really will happen, I am along for the ride. And what a ride it's been....

I was looking back over some of the blogs that I had posted and boy I miss it. I miss sitting down and putting my thoughts on "paper". Even if no one else reads it, it's good for me to just get my thoughts out and move on. The last four months have been full of new experiences, good and bad. It's been about lessons, good and bad. But most of all it's been about reflection of who I am and what I need to do, good and bad.

I'd like to think that I've made all the right choices, but that isn't the case. Last night I was talking with a friend and we started talking about past relationships and what we learn from them, good and bad. And when the question was possed to me, I blanked out. I couldn't remember, I couldn't focus on what it was I really learned from it. But what I did realize was that I am such a stronger person because of it. I realized that all the trust issues that I have had stem from those relationships and the reason that I hold so many at arms length is because of what happened in those times. But most importantly I realized that I have so much to offer and that it's not just about the outwardness of someone, but it's who they are to the core......that's been the hardest thing to really work through over the last few months. It's good to be back, it's good to re focus and it's good to write it out....have a good night ;)

What is....

I'd like to believe this statement is true....but lately, for over 5 plus years I wonder if there really is someone out there that does love. I'm great at loving and falling for someone when all along they never felt the same for me. I'm the pro at that....it hurts, and it's getting old. Many times I wonder how many times will I go through all this before I learn, obviously I haven't learned it enough and obviously I don't know how to actually get past it....

I just want to mean something to someone....but it's like I am never "good" enough. Though I'm great at being everyone's friend. Guys love having me as their friend because it's just like their sister. I don't want to be their sister. I want to be the person they fall in love with. But I'm just not good enough for that with people. I'm just really good at being everyone's friend...nothing more.

I continue to remind myself that this isn't home.....

A little overwhelmed.....or a lot...

Nothing like new directions and changes to bring on raw emotion. It has been a long time since I've felt this way...and I can't remember why. But this afternoon was another reminder on how strong I am not. Yes you read that right, I'm not strong, I'm weak and most of the time I bottle all of it up to put on a front that I have everything together. But today this new opportunity with my career really opened up the flood gates of raw emotion on how I'm not strong. I don't know this....it's been a good 4 years since I've been in this new industry and it feels very weird....

4 years ago life was completely different and the times have totally changed. I believe in myself because I know and trust that GOD never gives us more then we can't handle. The great part about that statement is that HE is the one that's handling it. It's all touched His hands first and then He passes it onto us because He knows that there is a lesson in it that we need to learn, that we need to rely on Him once again. And today, I am putting it all in His hands. There are going to be challenges, changes, growing pains, valleys but the great part about that is that I'll learn something new about me, I'll become stronger, I'll climb to the top and I'll embrace all that's been placed before me. But I won't get their alone, and I can't/won't do it alone. It was such a surreal moment that I felt like parts of today I relived 4 years ago. I could close my eyes and see things that happened in the past....but then I remember that it's in the past for a reason. To learn from, to grow from, to realize the person you needed to become. I stepped away and realized how much I've grown from that place 4 years ago and I now have the opportunity to write a new chapter with a much better outcome.

There are a lot of unknowns but what I do know is that this is a test, this will only make me a better person. This will only help me step outside the comfort zone that I've spent so much time in....it will bring me closer to the plans HE has for me....pretty cool.

Thank you heavenly father for never giving up on me.....thank you for wrapping your arms around me and reminding me that no matter what YOU stand beside, in front and behind me....YOU will guide my path.....

February 14th....it's the day that most people celebrate, buy the cards, the flowers, the candy...it's a fantastic holiday for Hallmark. I think I remember reading some where that this is the highest grossing holiday for them. I believe it because people feel like it's their get out of jail free card. If I get all these things on this day, the other 364 days are OK if I just "get by". I think it's good to celebrate with your kids, but every day should be Valentines Day.

We take so much for granted, life really. We think that we'll live forever, that moments can't define us, that we will see another day. When really none of us are safe from no more tomorrow's. So why not celebrate and tell those you love, that you love them every day. No matter what. No matter how busy we get, how involved we become, we can't take the moments for granted.

Over the years I've let my heart lead and many times it's not gone the way that I've wanted, ended in hurt and brokenness. But what I've learned is that I am stronger and I'm understanding. Odd combination of words really...strong but understanding...I don't give my heart out as much any more but that's OK, it's life. I am learning to embrace the moments, each of them daily....it's pretty amazing.

Enjoy this day, but celebrate it each day!

One more time

I think this picture is perfect on how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to hold it together before all that we call life rolls through and takes all my pedals with it......OK maybe not that drastic, but it just feels like it.

I'm at a cross roads with a lot of things in my life. I'd think by this point in life I'd have enough figured out but daily I am reminded that I don't. And when I think I'm heading in the direction I need to be going....it's not. But what I have once again realized that it's not about what direction I think I need to be going, but it's the direction that GOD wants me to go in. And a lot of times I don't always understand or like the direction. For instance, I had an opportunity for a new career path and I really thought that it was it. Everything "seemed" to fall into place, each step seemed right and I got closer and closer to the end result.....then the phone call came that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't understand, I was upset, angry, hurt and rejected. Why? I thought it was right, it seemed like it was, but it wasn't because it wasn't GOD's plan for my life. Something about it wasn't right, it wasn't HIS plan. Trust me it's hard to understand and even accept it. But it is the way it is....HIS plan, not mine.

I was reminded the other day, make all the plans you want but don't expect GOD to check with you when He's making His plans....OUCH would be the first reaction most of us might have, but then I am reminded that this isn't about me, this life isn't the end, it's just the beginning and that after all is said in done, I really want HIM in control of my life. It just makes sense.....but it's a lot of the time hard to accept.

I'm holding it together, I'm sorting through this....asking HIM what HE wants for me, where HE wants me to go, how HE wants me to live this life....I'm still learning, I'm still standing.....even when the storm rolls in.

Never good enough....

I'd like to think that at one point or another we have all felt this way, we are not good enough...

We hear someone explain a "perfect" someone or what they want in their lives, and you think to yourself what's wrong with me because I am those things, but not those things to that person. Never good enough.....

I've let myself feel that way to much in my life, that I've never been good enough for someone or something....

No one is perfect, and we will all look different when we get older, looks are not everything. Our world is to hung up on trying to achieve perfection, it's not real, it's not obtainable....stop wasting your time....

I know that I really am better then what they want or what that thing could be....I just let life and the world's ideas stop me from actually believing it........

It's tiring actually because I spend more time feeling sorry for myself because someone doesn't like me for me.....I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I believe I am something, someone pretty great. I have a lot to offer and even though people might not realize that, it's OK because I know that this isn't what life is all about. There is a bigger cause, there is more to life then this....I am good enough, I am loved and I am pretty great.....

Think....what?!

Think....that seems to be what I do all the time, well at least lately.....

I just can't turn it off, I wish that some how there would be a switch to shut your mind off for just a moment. But that doesn't happen with me. Even as much as I try to stop myself it doesn't work. Many people who know me know that I think a lot....really a lot! And though it might not always work in the best of ways, I am glad that I am who I am because I feel like I don't just walk into anything 1/2 way...I walk in with 100% commitment and ready to take on whatever it is I'm doing, saying or reacting to.

But here's the other part...I think a lot with my heart. I wonder how people will react, I wonder what they'll say, what the outcome will be and how much my heart will be effected. Though I don't believe it's wrong to think with your heart, I think it's hard to not make that the first thing that you go with. It's a daily struggle with me to not allow my heart to lead, but to let it follow....