So here it goes....

This could very well be one of the hardest blogs I've ever written and to be honest I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face. I don't write many blogs while in tears; I feel that it makes me to vulnerable actually. But tonight there is no way to get past it. Today was hard and there is a lot to it but here’s the thing....over the last few days I have literally been moved to tears by those that are dealing with the weight of the world and my heart begins to feel heavy knowing that the pain in which so many carry is great. I love those that are so close to my life and I love walking this path of life with each of them but sometimes it's just overwhelming to watch people deal with so much grief and heart ache.

I could sit here and tell you how frustrated financially I am and how I need another car fast...but all of that seems so small and trivial when I read about a beautiful couple and how they lost 3 little boys too soon. The way that they have handled themselves, shared their faith and seemed to be able to comfort so many has been so humbling for me. As I read through their blogs and comments I wonder how I would be able to handle such a burden in life and then I am reminded....GRACE.

I heard a song today as I was traveling around all about grace. It said "give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful, this life is not long but it's hard. Give us grace to go on and faith to make us willing and able." Those words have been on my mind since...

6 years ago my life forever changed in good ways and not so good ways. 6 years ago who I thought I was would be tested, would be tried, would be hurt, would be heart broken, angry, betrayed and devistated. 6 years ago I entered a new stage of life that like it or not would forever change the course of what I thought my life would be like. 6 years ago sometimes seems a lot longer then other times. On the other hand sometimes it feels just like yesterday that all of this happened. Though it would be years of dealing with the above feelings, I would finally come to a day like today and deal with it face on...finally! It is time that I put all this behind and realize that I have become a better person, I have learned so much about who I was meant to be, who I will be and what I will and will not put up with in my life. I have learned that love though great in fairy tales isn't what I grew up thinking it would be like. I have learned that in the most darkest of moments who true friends really are. I have embraced the challenges of this path, I have pushed away the rocks that block the doorways that I must enter. Who I was 15 years ago (high school) is someone that I miss often but thankful for who she was. The person I am today will continue to grow, learn, love and trust but only by faith.

**Side note: Thankful, thankful thankful for friends. While I was in mid tears my cell phone rang and usually I won't answer it when I am writing, something about losing my train of thought-but the person that called doesn't usaually call me after 5...so I knew it wasn't normal. But it was a blessing because that person took my thoughts off all this saddness and helped me realize and see what was most important. For a brief moment everything seemed ok....thank you my dear dear friend!

I will take nothing for granted, I will embrace this day and be thankful for the next.

Broken...not yet

See this picture-broken glass....simple right! It's a symbol for so many things in my life. Where to start?!?! 6 years ago this week this picture would symbolize what would happen on the 11th of June. The picture of a marriage I once had would look like this picture. A few years later when my grandmother passed away on my birthday this picture would symbolize how I felt. Anytime someone has hurt me, broken my heart, back stabbed me...this picture would represent it. But here's the great part about this picture....

All those pieces can and have been put back together again. No matter how many pieces I break into, I am always some how, some way put back together. Each time that I am put back together I become stronger, I realize more about my life, I understand more of who I am, what I want in life and what HIS purpose is for my life.

This week has already been full of news that no one wants to hear, news of ending marriages, losing a loved one, losing babies, losing a job, facing a sentence for a crime you didn't commit, situations out of their control. But I have also heard the news of a new baby, a new house, a cleared health bill....the pieces of many have fallen apart this week already, but I'm here to help them pick these pieces of life up, help them put them back together...many have stood with me to put my pieces together and it's now my time to do the same in return.

No one said this life would be easy but we know that we don't do this alone. I find strength in that.

Who am I?

Who am I? That could be a loaded question. But I'd start by saying that I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a best friend...the list really could go on and on but something, someone said to me a few weeks ago that I could be a writer. Really? Me? I can hardly put the right grammar and sentences together so let a lone becoming a writer would be the last thing I'd say I was.....

But then I started to think about that statement. What would I write about? What have I been writing about? What I am writing about, is it even important to anyone...or just me. Then I started to re read through my journals and different blog entries and I started to realize a pattern. You don't have to be an excellent writer, you just write from the heart and that's what I do. I write from the heart. Whatever might be on my heart or mind that day is what ends up coming out onto paper.

Don't get me wrong sometimes there are things, thoughts that I'll never share with anyone-but we should all have those moments for ourselves and not feel like we need to share everything. We need to keep some sort of "personal" feelings, thoughts to ourselves. But when you speak from the heart then it should be easy.

For instance if I didn't write about this I was going to share about all the hardships that so many of my friends are facing this week, seems like more then unusual but I was also going to share that this week my little girl will be 6 and all the memories of this week 6 years ago flash back in waves. I also thought about sharing some personal dreams and goals. But today you got the fact that I might be a writer....but only when I write from the heart.

May today be a blessing for each of you!

Moving to the.....song

Do you ever hear a song and the first time you hear it you think to yourself that this will be a song that you'll listen to over and over....then you really listen to it. You get past the beat and all that and you really listen to it...then you realize that the song that you thought you liked....isn't the case.

I love music, if you know me well you know that I feel like life needs to be lived by a song. I love to sing, I love to listen and I love to just take it all in. Music is powerful, it can change a life, it can complicate it as well...but it's powerful. I challenge you this week to really listen to music. Not just the songs you hear over and over on the radio, but to find other songs that maybe you don't really listen to. You'd be surprised at what you come across. It's also good to just listen-sure helps me to listen in life.

If I had an athem for life...hmmm that would be pretty interesting to say the least, but one thing is for sure I'd have plenty to chose from!

Enjoy the music!

Oh and the weight loss-it's flat lined for the moment. Still have lost -114 pounds since starting this whole process, just need to get another shock to get back at it.

Prayer...

Sorry I've been off the grid the last few days. I'm still here, alive and well....well. :) I could spend the next few minutes show casing all that's been happening in my life, the ups, the downs the unknowns...the scary stuff, the stressfull things or I could take this time right now to share with you story of people I know from my college years that at this very moment need prayer.

You see they are standing on the edge of a great unknown...they are holding and handling life in the balance as we speak and they are trusting in the every loving Father to pull them through this. So tonight I am asking that you take a moment to read their story, their journey, what they are facing and pray for them...because guess what, all that I am dealing with in my life is small compaired to those of others.

Here is the link to their blog....please pray and give thoughts to these two.

http://tipsontriplets.wordpress.com/2011/06/02/we-can-hope/

Love....hmm

I heard this song a few days ago by JJ Heller...I highly suggest that you Google it or YouTube it...whatever, just listen to this song. All the words ring very true in my life and I have found myself asking the very question Who will love me for me....but at the end of the day I am reminded that Christ will love me for me, no matter what. When the rest of the world has turned their backs on me, when the last guy has hurt me, or when a friend no longer is a friend, when I don't think I am loveable anymore...HE will love me for me. No matter what.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please…
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner then he would’ve stayed

Who’ll love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered
And I know you’ve lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you

Marriage....

Who doesn't love a wedding...who doesn't like to pick out flowers and cake. Who doesn't like picking out rings, the dress, the colors and telling the story of how you met and how he asked you to join him in this life? Who doesn't want to join together with another human and committee their lives together, forever? Personally, I love all that. I love the wedding, I love the planning, and I love the marriage...I've been through it already in life...

All that being side the second time around is totally different then the first. It's taken many years for me to even decide if I'd want to re marry again...that's only something for me to know :) But I will tell you this; if it would ever happen again I wouldn't be getting married because I "needed" a man in my life. BUT it will be because he would see my strengths and my skills and would come alongside me and live our lives together. Besides me, walking together in this life. That's what I'd want and if that's not possible then I'll be just fine in this life.

I know and believe that no matter what happens from here on out I'll be just fine, I will be ok...I never needed a marriage to define who I was, I thought I did a long time ago. But I learned a lot about whom I was and what I wanted in this life, the cool thing is if there is a second time around then it will be with someone who's my best friend and will walk alongside me through the rest of our lives....

It would be a pretty amazing walk to say the least ;)

Weight loss: 0

Total Weight loss: -114 pounds