Is it that time again?

Hard to believe that in two days I'll celebrate another birthday. This time the big 33 will be my new number. This is a special number for my mom too-this is how old she was when she had me. When she first started talking about this number I thought to myself what life will be like when Makayla turns 26 and she will be the age I was when I had her....sometimes it's hard to think past the next moment. But it's never hard to look back and reflect..... It really feels like yesterday that I turned 32. I was so looking forward to being 32, I had so much happening in my life, new friends, new opportunities and a new slate to keep me focused on what I was trying to accomplish for the coming year. It just doesn't seem possible that 365 days had passed once again. It really was in a blink of an eye. This past year I left my job I had last year and started with a new company, still trying to figure out really what my purpose is, my heart tells me one thing but my mind and bank account tell me another. I really wish all three would get on the same page. This time last year certain people that where in my life I thought would stay in place but that hasn't been the case. What I thought was going to be hasn't been. But this past year has been full of lessons, trust, unknowns and hope. I can't complain because I have been given another year....I am now singing on the worship team at our church which is a blessing. Makayla is healthy and happy, she is such a joy in my life. Just today she was walking through the house singing Jingle Bell Rock at the top of her lungs. Days like this I just love, embrace them and be thankful for them. I don't know what this year will bring, no one does. I sometimes wonder if we'd really want to know. Maybe, but then where is the surprise? I'm looking forward to celebrating 33 on Wednesday with my family and then celebrating over the weekend with my friends. Birthday's are special for me, for some reason I make a big deal out of them. I want to celebrate for the whole week, but they really are only important to the person that's having them. I've learned that over the years too. :) But I embrace this new number and I'm so very thankful for what I've learned over the last year and I am ready to walk into this year with open arms and take on whatever might come our way. Blessings to you and your family.

Thanksgiving in the smallest form

This thanksgiving may you and your family be blessed. Let us not forget all that we have been given, all that we've been through and realize that we have so much to be thankful for. Blessing to you and your family....

Mistakes....lessons

"You can never make a mistake a second time. Because the second time you make it, it's a choice, not a mistake." Well to be honest this is the most clear comment I've read in a long time. How true, first time is a mistake the second time is a choice and then you live with the outcome, no matter what. I really hold this comment to a lot of relationships in my life. I feel like I continue to make the same mistakes, choices when it comes to it-so it's my choice and I can't call it a mistake. It's been awhile since I've had a moment to write my thoughts. Though I have a lot of them, doesn't it figure I can't think of a single one. There has been a lot that has been going on in my life. It's been the smallest things to the largest unknown I've been up against....and honestly no matter how great or how bad it might get, I am thankful. For the lessons mostly....how I learn more about myself and how even though I don't always think or believe it, I am strong. I was given a gift to hold a lot on my shoulders even when I don't think I can add one more thing. I'm thankful for what I learn from other people. How they view situations and circumstances in my life, or their own. I fell that the people in my life now are here at just the right time. Thankful....that's what I am, no matter how many laughs, tears, moments of uncertainty I am OK....we will be OK.

A Scarlet Letter

Well my dear friends it's been a few weeks since I've sat down to write anything. But I have been thinking a lot......and a lot I mean by 24/7. There isn't a moment that my mind isn't going, thinking of things in the past, the present and what the future holds. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to certain moments that where defining moments of my life. I also have been looking towards the future....knowing that no matter what happens I'm ready, my daughter is ready, my family is ready....but my heart is still heavy. A few days ago I was reading a blog and the person writing it was making reference to single mothers-I caught myself for a second feeling sorry for them and then it hit me I was one of them. I don't see myself in that "category"...but I am. She listed it like this.... There are women whose husbands have died. There are women whose husbands have left. There are women who don't know the father. There are women who asked him to leave. There are women who are safer on their own with their children. There are women who never married, who chose from the start to do it alone. There are women who are married, he is present, and yet she parents all alone. Then she went on to say that no matter what the case might be they are still mom's...they are still the ones that walk around this world with their hearts on the outside and they some how get a scarlet letter assigned to them because of one of the above situations in life. No matter what happens....it shouldn't be that way. I found myself having a "moment" this morning. I was talking to my mom about life, about things that have been happening, how people have viewed me, my situation and people don't always understand a situation before they decided that you need to hear their opinion...and lately this life, this world, this place I'm in EVERYONE has an opinion about my life, how I should live it, why things happened the way they did and honestly most of the time I'd like to just walk away from them and say you just don't get it. I don't carry the scarlet letter....I won't. I won't allow this world to label me. God made me who I am and I am forever thankful for that....I am thankful for all the lessons, all the dark moments, all the unknowns....but most importantly I am thankful for the joy, the blessings and the peace that had come from it all. No matter what this life tries to "label" you....don't let them. We are all better then a label.

Some moments are meant to.....

Be forgotten! That's how it goes. Some moments are meant to be forgotten. This week has been one of those weeks. I've had moments in my life that happened, 8, 7, 4, 1 years ago this week and they need to be forgotten. I've moved on. That's the easiest part, to say it, but to believe it is another thing. I was talking to a dear friend the other day and we where talking about some of the things that have happened in my life, she made a really good point. She said you know at the time everything seemed right, you never went through all that to think that you'd have to go through some of your darkest days....but out of those dark days you've had some of the brightest days, moments of your life. She's right. Those moments though maybe good at the time, turned out to be pretty dark spots in my life, but I stuck with it and moved through them with ease....at least looking back it seemed that way. But I survived. I stayed the course and I survived! Things in my life are going good. I am looking forward to them staying that way. I've cut people out of my life that brought me down, that took the "joy" out of my life and I've moved on. I consider their time in my life just an opportunity to make me stronger as an individual and to realize that I don't need to be brought down. So that being said, the drama in my life has gone away and I'm thankful. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but focus on what today holds! It's all about learning. :)

One year....all the change you want.

Well it's late and I can't sleep. I normally don't have a problem with this, but there is so much happening in my life that I can't shut myself down at night....at least not lately. So tonight as I was laying in bed figuring out how to process everything.....I decided to write or in this case blog. And I'm about to share right from the heart....nothing unusual since I do this all the time. But here it goes: Change. I love it....I really do and I feel that this season we are coming into has the most beautiful change you can ever hope for. It's the kind of change that sometimes takes your breath away. I like change, every form of it actually. What's the motto, if your not changing your not living?? Well I agree with that. Some change will be good and some won't. But what I realized is that this coming week for me represents a lot of change for me. 8 years ago there was a change that took place and it forever changed the course of my life...at the time I thought it was for the best.....5 years later it turned out to be the worst change in my life. A year ago I made a big change and ended a friendship with someone who had been nothing but hurtful in my life. At the time that decision to make that change I thought was so hard, so upsetting in my life but looking back over the last year I've realized that it was the best change I could make. Not having that person in my life this past year was actually allowing me to "live" and to really see things for what they are, trust people for what they say and learn more about me as a person then I could of ever if I would of kept that person in my life. I don't doubt that something in the coming week will happen that will be all about change. Just seems to be that time of year.....but this time I'm good with it. People come in and out of our lives for all sorts of reasons and what I've grown to realize is that I hold onto nothing because it can be taken away in a single breath. I've learned to stand tall, speak my mind, think before acting, smile when there is nothing else to do.....and pray. I spend a lot more time in my car even though I "get to work from home." Because of being in my car more it means a lot more time to think...to process....to understand. The other day I opened myself up to a friend for just some encouragement and what I got back was total frustration. Actually how this person responded made me realize that this person really never cared about me as a person but to bring me down because they where unhappy with their life. Normally in a situation like this I would write the person off but this time.....this time I took it for face value and moved on with life. Life won't stop, never has stopped for anyone and that won't change. I understand that a lot of this tonight is ramble to many-but that's ok with me, because right now it's what I have to get off my chest and out of my mind so I can sleep tonight. I'm always changing, I work in an industry that is always changing, my beautiful daughter is always changing, my day to day life is always changing and I am great with that. God never promised an easy life, I don't believe things need to be easy. But he did promise that He would get us through it. So I look at it this way, I might struggle, people will hurt me, I will have trials and uncertainties but no matter what He'll get me through it. Big or small, doesn't matter the problem.....that's pretty cool if you ask me! Well I think I'm tired enough to stop....you know the whole "stop while your ahead...". Don't be afraid of this season your going through, there are good things to come from it. That's a promise.

Just for today....

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer. JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. JUST FOR TODAY, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself. JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my outlook on life. I will encourage others and find the good in people. JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions. Just for today.......

Simple

I like simple, don't you? I like when things just seem to "fit" into place. No questions asked, it's just simple. Well lately my life has been anything OTHER then simple. It's been a mixed up bag of emotions, up and down unknowns and simple is out of the question. The other day I found myself face to face with conflict that really when you look back never needed to happen. Normally I'm the type that will fire back on emotion and will not realize the consequences of those replies till it's too late. But for the first time in a very long time I stopped.....and I waited. I waited 5 whole days before I gave my response. I totally understand that it's not always a good thing to wait that long, but I had too. I will say I did write what I wanted to say as soon as I received the conflict....but I saved it, I held onto it and over the 5 days that I waited I re read it, I edited it, I deleted parts of it and re wrote other parts....but I waited. And I had peace with it. I realized something about this, it was simple, it was clear and it was clean. What I mean by all that is that it was direct in what I wanted to say, it was clear in what I wrote, nothing was left to question and it was clean-I left out all and any emotion that could be associated with it. It felt great! It felt right, it was so needed too. I realized that I like simple, but it doesn't come around very often-so when it does I need to stop, enjoy that moment no matter what it is. And wait. I have a hard time waiting....at least lately. I am done with letting people control my emotions. If they want to be jerks, let them be jerks, but not in my life. If they want to pick a fight, let them pick a fight, but not in my life. If they want to be negative, let them be negative, but not in my life....see a pattern here! I am done being the door mate for peoples negative, jealous, selfish, controlling ways. I like simple, I want simple and that means cutting out individuals who don't bring simple to my life. That might be a loaded and harsh statement but it's true. All of us can get past the negatives of life, but many chose to stay in them, they chose to get wrapped up in it. I find it sad and depressing and chose-I chose to not live my life that way. Regarding the emotional side of life. I usually respond 80% on emotion and the other 20% on life. But I also realize too that if you get stuck in the emotional side all the time that life isn't fun, it's just stressful. I am not saying that you shouldn't act on emotion, but only when it's right. And I believe you know when it's right. I'm learning a lot about my life, the changing of it. I'm in the 7 year change and I'm excited about it. There are new things that I am not use to, but I'm accepting. There are things that I use to do that I put on the shelf for a long time, but now I'm taking them off and utilizing them. It feels great, this change-I just need simple......it's so much better that way.

The way I am

I love this picture....it brings a sense of peace and BOY OH BOY....I've needed it. It's been a world wind of busy since the beginning of the summer that if you where to ask me to write out or tell you all that has happened it would either look like a pile of melted crayons or just a blank page with the word "Well.."

But I can't complain because it's been a summer full of blessings. Yes just like every blessing there has been something that I wish wouldn't of happened, but then how would I of ever learned who I was, how I react, how to get through, how to pray...all that. So I have come to the conclusion that I will embrace what I have been given, I will love every moment-good or bad. I will treat each day as a gift...it's the way I am going to be.

Makayla started kindergarten and it just doesn't seem possible. 6 years at times felt like it took forever but then I look back and it is a blur. It seems just like yesterday that I received the news that I was going to be a mom and before I could take it all in she is off to school and if I don't enjoy this moment before to long she'll be graduating and leaving for college-starting off her adult life. Please time, slow down just a moment so I take nothing for granted and that I enjoy this life, this ride.

Today I met a dear friend for lunch and I enjoy these times with her. I feel like it's a good connection and that I walk away feeling blessed to know her, to have her in my life. While I was sitting at the restaurant waiting for her a song came on-it was country which means I usually zone out-it's just the way I am. But today I listened...and to be honest I liked the song. So much that I googled it and downloaded it to my phone. But it talked about love, having it and that we take nothing for granted, we enjoy the ride. We embrace every moment because one day we'll look back and wonder what happened to all this time we thought we had.

So enjoy the ride, love the moment and be who you are!

Soon

Soon one of my favorite times of year will be here...and we'll have change. Seems like we talk about Change a lot. But I love the 4 seasons. I love that we live in Ohio and that we get to experience in some way the 4 seasons. I love it, don't think I would ever move from that. Fall of course is my most favorite season of all, but I love the snow....I even like driving in it. :)

Over the last few weeks I've been keeping myself very busy with everything from work, new projects, volunteering, golf outings, you name it I'm in it. But I took some time the other day to stop and reflect on this time. I begin to think about how life was a year ago, how I was going through so much with a person who I thought was my best friend, but to find out that I had been fooled. I was really involved in activities, Makayla's day to day, losing weight, being with friends. What has changed-well everything outside of my family and day to day. Everything has changed, just like a season.

I am reminded daily that people are brought into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime and right now....I'm going through the seasons stage. Sometimes it's easier to handle when I am really busy, it just changes and before I realize it I'm in a new season with friends, but other times when I have "time" on my hands to think about it, it saddens me. It makes me miss them, wonder why we didn't stay in each others lives for longer or what could of changed. But then I am reminded....reason, season, lifetime. Then I become very thankful for my lifetimes......

I can begin again...

I like this photo-it really reflects the daily life I lead. Things are always changing. But do you ever wonder what "Things" people refer to when they say "things are always changing." Sure the traffic light always changes, the time on the clock changes, our moods change, the amount of gas you have in your car changes....BUT is that the kind of things that change we are referring too? Not for me it isn't. The "Things" that I am referring too is life, my life, what's happening in my life.

When I was growing up the age old question was always asked...what do you want to do with your life when you get older, what do you want to be when you grow up? It was usually a teacher, a mother...something that meant something. I never said growing up that I wanted to be both the mom and dad....I always thought that my life would have the big house (ok medium size is good too) and the husband/wife team with the kids running around, both successful in their jobs, careers and making a difference in life. So the "things" that are forever changing in my life is that picture. But here's the thing about that picture...it's ok. I am ok with how life has been. What I would of thought, NOPE not in a million years. But because of all this I have learned who I truly 100% really am, how I really handle things, what I will and will not put up in life, what I struggle with, what my real hopes and fears really are. I have this really great thing-it's called change and I'm good with it.

So all that being said it brings me to this. Over a year ago I made a promise to change my life, lose weight and be real. And I'm going to be honest-I did it pretty well for a year and 1 month...then I fell off the path, rolled down the hill and landed face first in the mud. Life hit me good, from every angle really. Personally, financially, professionally and I gave in. I gave into the old habits, the old ways, what was easy and what was the past. I'm not proud of it by any means, but I have learned. I am getting back up, walking back up the hill and continuing the course....but paying for the stumble big time. So to my readers-if I still have any out there....keep me going, help me make this path right and make this part of my life count. I want to make a difference, I want to leave a legacy and I want to at the end of my life know that I did it for all the right reasons....Honoring HIM every day of my life by leading the best life and having a personal relationship with GOD. That's how I get through the "things are always changing".

Make it a good one, make it count.

Connected

What does it mean to be connected? Is being connected always a good thing or sometimes does it get out of hand. I'll be honest, I feel that sometimes I've been to connected to things and/or people. I know that sometimes I've relied on being connected to get me out of things, or put off what's really important. I have relied on being connected to email, facebook, my phone then actually friendships, relationships and things that really have meaning. It's hard sometimes to find the fine line between life and just a computer screen to justify a friendship or that your connected to someone on a "real" level.

I've been struggling with this lately. Actually wondering how many people I actually consider friends or how man do I consider friends because we text or email....I realize that the ones that I just email and text don't hold a flicker to the friends that I see, connect with, laugh with, cry with, support, stand beside, meet for coffee, listen too, pray for, love, care about...those friendships are what really matter. And I miss it. Don't get me wrong I have amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive friends. What I miss is the old fashion connection that once use to be. I remember it in college. About 12 years ago before Facebook, Cell phones and thinking because you text someone that's a good friendship. I remember what it was like to just call a friend up and go to Wal-Mart to kill time. I do that now sometimes...but people are to busy and we take the easy way out of what it really means to be friends. We think because we have technology to keep us connected that it's enough. I don't believe it is. I miss the way connecting use to be.....before what it meant to be "on line".

I've been humbled lately by watching my daughter. Sometimes to tears actually because of how she is so true and real with her friends. Yes she's 6 and has no clue what cell phone, email, facebook really means. She just hears us talk about it. But what I mean is that Makayla honestly at her age cares for her little friends. That at this age she gets it, my prayer is that she grows up never forgetting what it really means to connect with her friends with out all the gadgets and technology. We are always in a hurry that we hardly take time to just enjoy the ride. Really enjoy it.....I'm guilty of it. Sometimes I drive from point A to point B and don't even remember how I got there because I was on the phone or trying to make sure I didn't forget something.

So all this being said....I am making a goal to reach out to my friends and actually connect with them the way that it was always mean to be. The way that we should be, stop getting so wrapped up in text messaging, email, facebook....all that and spend time with them. We don't know if we'll have tomorrow and why would we want to spend it behind a computer "thinking" that we're really connecting with someone. Face to face, heart to heart, soul to soul is the way to really connect in this life. We get one shot, why not make it count.

So to all my friends that I in my life-thank you, thank you for sticking by me, I promise to make a better effort to be connected on a real level.

Make this day count.

In a twinkling of an eye

In a twinkling of an eye....things change. Last night our family was sitting around the dinner table and I asked the normal question "what are your plans for tomorrow?" And this time everyone seemed to answer the same, "nothing really." But with in 12-14 hours that changed with one phone call....

My mom and dad's dear friends Ginny and Richard Weaver have been apart of our lives for as long as I can remember....my mom and I where just talking about it actually, it's been a long time. Richard and Ginny loved each other, they where each others best friends, worked beside each other, worshiped together and lived/loved life together. Richard loved to ride motorcycles. Not just around town but trips, across the United States trips. One summer when my grandma Johnson was here, she had always wanted to ride one and Richard came to our house and took my grandma for a ride. She remembers and loves that moment to this day. We actually talked about it when she was here a few weeks ago. My parents and grandma saw Richard and Ginny two Sunday's ago and my grandma told him that they'd have to do that again sometime.....

This morning Ginny called my mom to tell her that Richard had been killed on his bike while riding in Montana. The time stood still for just a moment, a twinkle of an eye peoples lives have been changed. We rejoice in knowing that Richard is in heaven, celebrating and I bet telling all about his recent trip across the United States and the beauty that he was able to see. Though we have comfort in that knowledge, it doesn't make it any easier for those who are left behind with life. It's another reminder that we take nothing, not a single moment for granted. That we never know what moments we have left-but with what we do have are we living it to the best, to do the right things, to tell those we love that we love them, spend as much time with each other and make an impact.....are we doing those things.

Love one another, care for one another and never forget to cherish the moments because it will all change in a twinkle of an eye.

For just a moment

Well hello...it's good to sit down and write a little. I can say that I've missed this moment. I've been busier lately and by the time I sit down to write anything my brain decides that I'm to tired and it wouldn't make any sense. So I apologize that it's been awhile, but I'm still kicking.

The other day I attended my parents church...(I'm attending a different church then they are...it's good for Sunday conversations) and I'm really glad I did. For a few weeks now I've really been struggling with understand human nature. Trying to understand why people will say one thing and do another, or they will promise something and never follow through. With out going into great detail there has been a lot of let down by people lately. More then normal. I'm not sure why, but it's getting really old and I'm finding myself shutting people out because I'm done dealing with it. Life is to short, I have to many good memories to make to let peoples greed, self righteousness, selfishness, laziness and back stabbing ways be apart of my life. So there you have it...that's what's been bothering me.

So I attended their church and it was a really good thing that I did because the message was clear and what I needed to hear. Straight to the heart actually. The pastor opened with a question, if you ever met a famous person what would be the first question you'd ask them. Many of us would either zone out or we'd say something really dumb-no offense it just happens. But he said "have your question ready, so if you ever get the chance you won't blow it." But he shared what his question would be...."What is your view of human nature?" The first answer that popped into my head...Greed. We are greedy, we are selfish and we are narrow minded. And at that moment I stopped and thought about my own life....what area's do I need to work on, would people feel that way about me, would they say these words about me? Then I started to pray....you see during the last few weeks that I've been so frustrated with people around me, I was learning something about me, learning that I needed to make sure that those things I dis like so much in others, isn't happening in my own life....I began to pray.....

Sometimes it takes us asking the hard questions in our own life to realize that I shouldn't be so quick to point in others. That it's really about this time in life-I get one shot at it, I don't want to be wrapped up in all those negative things, but I want to be focused on the positive things, the things that encourage, the things that motivate and the things that bring honor, glory and love when no one else will.

Make a differences when no one else will.

Hello, it's me

Well I have totally fallen off the blog path lately. I didn't realize that it's been a few...more then a few days since I've sat down and put my thoughts out into the world. It's not that I haven't thought about it, but I just haven't really figured out what I want to say.....but here it goes.

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, empty feelings, uncertainty and blessings. The last part is probably the most exciting part of the whole thing. Over the last few weeks I've been amazed by people. Everything from people’s ability to hurt me deeply to going above and beyond what I could ever imagine. I've realized a lot about who I am. I feel like I am always learning a lesson, a lot of repeats because I haven't fully learned them from the past. It gets old most of the time but others I find something else that I didn't realize from before. I've learned that I wear my emotions to close to for comfort and that I take peoples actions to serious. I also realized too that I care for people who could care less about who I am or what my life is about. I guess that's part of the "make up" of me. Does it mean I'd change it, not really...but I will guard my heart a little more closely and realize that sometimes I simply just have to walk away.

The whole blessing part of the last few weeks has really been a humbling experience. I have had a chance to see someone who I've known mostly on the business side of life on a personal side that I would have never imagined. But thankful for. Opportunities have presented themselves because this person prayed for me and helped me out of the stressful situation I've been facing. It's great when I step out of the way so GOD's plan can take place.

Oh the places I will go.....blessings to your life.

Words People

Words...Meaningful words, pointless words and hurtful words. Words of love, encouraging words, supportive words. Words every where and I think sometimes we are just too flippant with our words. I believe a lot of times we don't really treasure the words that we're given or the words that we say. Sometimes the words we use come flying out of our mouths before we even think about it and other times we don't use our words when we really need to.

I was thinking about this the other day. Words-in general. I was thinking of words that I use all the time such as "it's all good". This statement of words you'll hear from me when I am nervous, don't have the "right" words to say or when I just don't feel like getting into it with someone. I use them as safe words a lot. "Fine" another word that I use often, for me personally I feel like this word covers hurt for me. That it's really not "ok" with me, but whatever it is what it is...I don't like that word really. Makes me uneasy. Another word I use..."trust". This word doesn't come out of my mouth often but when it does, either it's been broken or it's been granted to someone.

Words...how do you use yours'? What is your statement of words that you use when it comes to life? What is your reasoning behind them? Do you ever think of the meaningless words that we use or the pointless words....or do you focus on the loving words, the supportive words, the trusting words. I am working on the later part of this. I want to be known as someone who lifts those up with my encouraging, supportive, trust, loving words....that is my hope.

The "weight" is no longer

Last night I hardly slept. It was for various reasons but I found myself at one point staring at myself in the mirror....wondering. Wondering what had happened in my life that I stopped caring what I looked like and started to let myself go...and a flash back happened. I remember early on in college when I first was introduced to the lunch room. You see all through k-12 I had packed my lunch. I can count on one hand how many times I'd purchase a school lunch and it was under 5!

But I remember the first few months I really stuck to eating healthy and all that-but then one day I remember a girl on our hall who came back to the room with ice cream and captain crunch on top of it. Everyone tried it and I was hooked. It was like a light switch went off in my head and I didn't care about the healthy stuff, I cared about the sugar and all the other horrible things when done out of moderation will make you have thunder thighs.

And last night while I stood in front of the mirror asking myself why I was still up, I thought about that moment and then other moments after that, that I threw reason and right to the wind and went with what everyone else was doing at the time. I'm hardly a follower in life, but when it comes to food I really am. I like to experience it, the taste, the texture, the way it makes me feel and I don't know when to stop sometimes.

Over the last year and a half that I started to get a grip on things I have felt that the bad behavior has really been in the fore front of my mind. It's had a large spot light on it, pointing out every weakness and temptation that might come my way. But the great part about it is that this time I have the mega phone of choice ringing in my ear and a picture of me when I am thinner that keeps me motivated. Yes I've stumbled, yes I've thrown in the towel and yes I get back up, brush myself off and push through these moments that try to make me stumble. Never easy but always interesting….this I promise!

Hello.....I don't know you

Well this week my HTC Evo phone that I have had for less the one year decided it no longer wanted to be in my life. It froze and never came back on. I have to say that one thing I don't enjoy is getting a new phone. Shocking I know. But I find that once I've taken the time to set my phone up and get things just the way I want, I don't want to change. But I found myself doing just that.

I like Sprint, I know some people don't care for them but I have always been treated really well and they always make sure that I am happy when I leave. I went into my sprint store and told them my problem with the phone that I had really enjoyed having. They tried everything, sounds like it was a matter of life and death. Side note-I think we treat our phones that way sometimes. Couldn't live with out it, do whatever we have to make it run etc. But like I said they tried it all, my phone was not going to come back on.

At this point I actually wasn't looking forward to what would come out of his mouth-you'll have to get another one. Really....and spend the next 4-5 days getting use to it, setting it up just the way that I want it. It's like a relationship....you have to learn all about them, get comfortable with them and hopefully it will be a lasting relationship....

Long story short-they introduced me to my new phone (took great care of everything too) and I have to say it's not been as easy to get to know it like the others. But its life, I need it for work, for life and I am hoping that this "relationship" will last longer then the last. :)

Reflect...

One of the things I really enjoy doing in my life is being near bodies of water. Ocean, lakes, whatever it might be. I find such peace when I am standing on the shore line and looking out over the vastness of the space.

In college I went to school that happened to be right up the hill from a large lake. I use to visit it before I ever attended college due to my brothers being their before I was. But I remember just having such a peace anytime I'd just take a moment and take it in. It was peaceful. I miss it! (A lot) I remember one night my freshman year of college a group of my friends had gone over to my brother’s house-which at the time was living on the lake. It was a small house-I think three rooms, one of them being the bathroom. But that's what made it fun; we thought it was cool at the time. My brother was out of town on business and had told me I could stay at his place for the weekend if I wanted. So I did. My friends came over and we hung outside because it was one of the most beautiful fall nights I can ever recall in my life. That same weekend one of my best friends from high school also was in town visiting his sister. Up to that point he had been one of the closest friends in my life. I remember sitting at the edge of the lake and we talked about life, what we'd do with our lives and I remember sitting there and having such peace about how my life would be, how it would all turn out. Surprising if I would have been shown a video of my life to come how I wouldn't have felt that way.

I reflect on that night often, it was one of the most poignant nights of my life and there really wasn't any big reason why. It just was. I miss not being close to a body of water and I find myself longing to go back, to have that again....

All in due time....all in due time.

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

It's me....life is a little overwhelming right now...but you know that already. I need you, always and forever. I need you now, I need you in a few hours, I need you tomorrow and I need you for the rest of my life.

I don't know what else to do, I am scared, I am tired and I am worried but I know that you will take care of all things, no matter what. Help my to trust that, to trust and rest in this moment right now. Help me to never forget that you are the provider of my life and you have and you will always provide...all that I need.

I love you, Me.......

Peaceful moments...

Over the last few days I've been in a state of peace. Maybe not to those around me but inward I have had peace. The song that seemed to be the theme of these moments is the song by Twila Paris "My lips will praise you."

It's pretty simple actually:

Chorus
My lips will praise You
For You are holy
My voice will ever rise
Before Your throne
My heart will love You
For You are lovely
And You have called me
To become Your own

Bridge
I am Your own
And I will worship You alone
I am Your own
I am Your child
I am Your own
And I will worship at Your throne
I am Your own
And I will love You

This is how I want my life to be, simple and to the point. I want to take each moment in, enjoy it and have peace about it. It's so hard to do in this world now a days...but that is what I am working towards.....peace.

Summer daze....

I love days that are semi cool and the ski is a bright blue. Those are the best days, when all I want to do is either drive till it ends or sit on the beach over looking the ocean taking it all in. Well majority of the time neither of those get to happen. I spend time sitting at a desk or in a building looking outside wishing/hoping to get out and enjoy it.

Summer is full of new and exciting things. I can't help but remember the summers past with baseball games, trips to Pittsburgh, cook outs, enjoying friends and family. Those are the best memories. This summer is no different. It will be full of fun, warm days, swimming pools and new memories. Isn't it great that each day we're given a new start to make new memories...new journeys....new things to talk about. Love it!

This summer will be a little different because I'll need to be very creative in things that we do...things that don't cost money. Doesn't matter how the economy is right now, I just need to pinch every little penny, dime, nickel that comes into my life. It's a different way of thinking, living....not sure it works with me. But doesn't matter, it has too.

As for the weight issue, many of you have emailed and asked how it's going. Best way to put it, it's going. I haven't caved or gained it all back. Just at a stand still. I don't like the stand still but when one thing in life changes like money...everything changes. It's impossible to keep one life style when the rest of your life doesn't fit. I am hoping to get back to it soon and back into the routine of that life. But for now I am making due and staying this course.....thank you for keeping me accountable!

Much love-enjoy this beautiful day!

What in the world....

What in the world is going on in my life? That's what I was asking myself this morning. It's more of an inward question actually. I feel all out of sorts, not the Amanda that I am use to. Not the Amanda that others are use too. I feel quiet, I feel out of place and I feel uncertain. I know that these moments will pass but right now I just wonder what lesson I am trying to learn or what I need to take away from all this. I see my life, I see how I thought it was going to be and it's like a fantasy...it's not real.

This past weekend was a blessing. It was what I needed, it's what we needed. Makayla celebrated another wonderful birthday and she just amazes me. She is truly a joy in my life and I am so thankful for her. She always knows how to make people feel welcome. I watched her yesterday as her little friends arrived she introduced each of them to each other. Makayla always made sure that each of them was taken care of and that they felt that they where important. She's 6 and I have so much to learn from that. I pray that she will never lose that...the rest of her life I pray that she never makes anyone feel unloved or uncared for. I know well enough that there are enough people out their that make people feel that way. The world needs more 6 year old's like Makayla to show that it's not about them. We need to protect, care and love each other. That's just what she did with her little friends.

This is a new week with a lot of hmmm's to go around. But I know this, I am thankful for a new day. Enjoy the moments! Love one another and take nothing for granted!

My little 6 year old

You know one thing that I love about birthdays....you start a new "chapter" per say. Your not waiting till Jan. 1st (unless that's your birthday) to enjoy your age, reflect on the past year, get excited about what this new age will bring you. Yesterday we celebrated Makayla's 6th birthday. I wish I could remember what it was like to be 6...though Makayla does a really good job of giving me a glimpse of what it uses to be like. It's a tradition now that on her birthday we go to 91, a local restaurant and enjoy a quiet fine dining dinner. It was nice....last night was no different. But one thing was definitely changing....my little girl is no longer this little girl that you need to always do things for, she was doing things, ordering things on her own. When did this change?

We tend to spend most of our lives encouraging our children to be independent and do things on their own and before we realize it they are and we become sad because we're not "needed" to help with those things anymore. It's like a catch 22 for sure. We want them to be independent but we want to still be needed. I see that this is something that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life....that normal balance.

I reflected a lot in my mind yesterday of the day she was born. I recalled who I called first at 4:30am to let them know that I was having her. I remember what seemed to be stacks of papers to sign about having surgery-remembering that it would say "may cause death" and not being afraid, I signed and don't really remember reading it. But it is probably a good thing that I didn't-I wouldn't have wanted to go through with it...but of course I didn't have a choice. :) I remember the "ride" down the dim hallway to the operating room and how cold it was. I remember even though it was June how very cold everything seemed to me. I remember the bright lights of the OR and recalling the nicest nurse who talked with me till I fell asleep...or they gave me too much medication to knock me out. I recalled the moment that I woke up and the same wonderful nurse was holding Makayla and introduced me to her....then I threw up....

Yeah you didn't expect that did you?!?! Honestly out of the whole experience I look back and laugh. One being that this isn't a uncommon occurrence for me...usually it's a great sign that things are going to be ok if I throw up....the one and ONLY time I didn't....the day I got married. Should have been a clue! Just saying....

Last night I reflected on the evening when all the "craziness" of the day began to settle down and I held this tiny little beautiful baby girl in my arms and I wept. I was a mother; I had held a life in my hands that would need me for the rest of our life here on earth. This little life that had no clue of all that was going on around her, but she would know very quickly how loved she was, that she would never live one single day with out knowing that she was loved unconditionally and that no matter how hard things might become, we'd get through it together as a team.

Memory is a funny thing...as time goes on there are definitely certain things I don't remember unless someone reminds me...I think it is something GOD gave us to be able to block out those things that hurt so deeply and replace them with loving and funny memories. In those coming days I'd be reminded of the love those who cared so deeply for me would be necessary to remember to get me to where we are today. Birthdays will always be a big deal to Makayla and I. We celebrate life, love and joy that we've been given.

6 years ago my life forever changed and I am so thankful that it was GOD's plan and not mine.....be blessed today.

Birthday time!

Happy Birthday to me precious little girl as she is 6 today! Hard to believe that she is 6...sometimes it feels just like yesterday that I was waiting for her to arrive and other days it feels like 6 years. I am so thankful, so blessed and humbled that I have been given the chance to be her mother in this life. GOD is good all the time!

We will celebrate this day, this precious little life and look forward to what all will happen when you are 6!

So here it goes....

This could very well be one of the hardest blogs I've ever written and to be honest I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face. I don't write many blogs while in tears; I feel that it makes me to vulnerable actually. But tonight there is no way to get past it. Today was hard and there is a lot to it but here’s the thing....over the last few days I have literally been moved to tears by those that are dealing with the weight of the world and my heart begins to feel heavy knowing that the pain in which so many carry is great. I love those that are so close to my life and I love walking this path of life with each of them but sometimes it's just overwhelming to watch people deal with so much grief and heart ache.

I could sit here and tell you how frustrated financially I am and how I need another car fast...but all of that seems so small and trivial when I read about a beautiful couple and how they lost 3 little boys too soon. The way that they have handled themselves, shared their faith and seemed to be able to comfort so many has been so humbling for me. As I read through their blogs and comments I wonder how I would be able to handle such a burden in life and then I am reminded....GRACE.

I heard a song today as I was traveling around all about grace. It said "give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful, this life is not long but it's hard. Give us grace to go on and faith to make us willing and able." Those words have been on my mind since...

6 years ago my life forever changed in good ways and not so good ways. 6 years ago who I thought I was would be tested, would be tried, would be hurt, would be heart broken, angry, betrayed and devistated. 6 years ago I entered a new stage of life that like it or not would forever change the course of what I thought my life would be like. 6 years ago sometimes seems a lot longer then other times. On the other hand sometimes it feels just like yesterday that all of this happened. Though it would be years of dealing with the above feelings, I would finally come to a day like today and deal with it face on...finally! It is time that I put all this behind and realize that I have become a better person, I have learned so much about who I was meant to be, who I will be and what I will and will not put up with in my life. I have learned that love though great in fairy tales isn't what I grew up thinking it would be like. I have learned that in the most darkest of moments who true friends really are. I have embraced the challenges of this path, I have pushed away the rocks that block the doorways that I must enter. Who I was 15 years ago (high school) is someone that I miss often but thankful for who she was. The person I am today will continue to grow, learn, love and trust but only by faith.

**Side note: Thankful, thankful thankful for friends. While I was in mid tears my cell phone rang and usually I won't answer it when I am writing, something about losing my train of thought-but the person that called doesn't usaually call me after 5...so I knew it wasn't normal. But it was a blessing because that person took my thoughts off all this saddness and helped me realize and see what was most important. For a brief moment everything seemed ok....thank you my dear dear friend!

I will take nothing for granted, I will embrace this day and be thankful for the next.

Broken...not yet

See this picture-broken glass....simple right! It's a symbol for so many things in my life. Where to start?!?! 6 years ago this week this picture would symbolize what would happen on the 11th of June. The picture of a marriage I once had would look like this picture. A few years later when my grandmother passed away on my birthday this picture would symbolize how I felt. Anytime someone has hurt me, broken my heart, back stabbed me...this picture would represent it. But here's the great part about this picture....

All those pieces can and have been put back together again. No matter how many pieces I break into, I am always some how, some way put back together. Each time that I am put back together I become stronger, I realize more about my life, I understand more of who I am, what I want in life and what HIS purpose is for my life.

This week has already been full of news that no one wants to hear, news of ending marriages, losing a loved one, losing babies, losing a job, facing a sentence for a crime you didn't commit, situations out of their control. But I have also heard the news of a new baby, a new house, a cleared health bill....the pieces of many have fallen apart this week already, but I'm here to help them pick these pieces of life up, help them put them back together...many have stood with me to put my pieces together and it's now my time to do the same in return.

No one said this life would be easy but we know that we don't do this alone. I find strength in that.

Who am I?

Who am I? That could be a loaded question. But I'd start by saying that I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a best friend...the list really could go on and on but something, someone said to me a few weeks ago that I could be a writer. Really? Me? I can hardly put the right grammar and sentences together so let a lone becoming a writer would be the last thing I'd say I was.....

But then I started to think about that statement. What would I write about? What have I been writing about? What I am writing about, is it even important to anyone...or just me. Then I started to re read through my journals and different blog entries and I started to realize a pattern. You don't have to be an excellent writer, you just write from the heart and that's what I do. I write from the heart. Whatever might be on my heart or mind that day is what ends up coming out onto paper.

Don't get me wrong sometimes there are things, thoughts that I'll never share with anyone-but we should all have those moments for ourselves and not feel like we need to share everything. We need to keep some sort of "personal" feelings, thoughts to ourselves. But when you speak from the heart then it should be easy.

For instance if I didn't write about this I was going to share about all the hardships that so many of my friends are facing this week, seems like more then unusual but I was also going to share that this week my little girl will be 6 and all the memories of this week 6 years ago flash back in waves. I also thought about sharing some personal dreams and goals. But today you got the fact that I might be a writer....but only when I write from the heart.

May today be a blessing for each of you!

Moving to the.....song

Do you ever hear a song and the first time you hear it you think to yourself that this will be a song that you'll listen to over and over....then you really listen to it. You get past the beat and all that and you really listen to it...then you realize that the song that you thought you liked....isn't the case.

I love music, if you know me well you know that I feel like life needs to be lived by a song. I love to sing, I love to listen and I love to just take it all in. Music is powerful, it can change a life, it can complicate it as well...but it's powerful. I challenge you this week to really listen to music. Not just the songs you hear over and over on the radio, but to find other songs that maybe you don't really listen to. You'd be surprised at what you come across. It's also good to just listen-sure helps me to listen in life.

If I had an athem for life...hmmm that would be pretty interesting to say the least, but one thing is for sure I'd have plenty to chose from!

Enjoy the music!

Oh and the weight loss-it's flat lined for the moment. Still have lost -114 pounds since starting this whole process, just need to get another shock to get back at it.

Prayer...

Sorry I've been off the grid the last few days. I'm still here, alive and well....well. :) I could spend the next few minutes show casing all that's been happening in my life, the ups, the downs the unknowns...the scary stuff, the stressfull things or I could take this time right now to share with you story of people I know from my college years that at this very moment need prayer.

You see they are standing on the edge of a great unknown...they are holding and handling life in the balance as we speak and they are trusting in the every loving Father to pull them through this. So tonight I am asking that you take a moment to read their story, their journey, what they are facing and pray for them...because guess what, all that I am dealing with in my life is small compaired to those of others.

Here is the link to their blog....please pray and give thoughts to these two.

http://tipsontriplets.wordpress.com/2011/06/02/we-can-hope/

Love....hmm

I heard this song a few days ago by JJ Heller...I highly suggest that you Google it or YouTube it...whatever, just listen to this song. All the words ring very true in my life and I have found myself asking the very question Who will love me for me....but at the end of the day I am reminded that Christ will love me for me, no matter what. When the rest of the world has turned their backs on me, when the last guy has hurt me, or when a friend no longer is a friend, when I don't think I am loveable anymore...HE will love me for me. No matter what.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please…
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner then he would’ve stayed

Who’ll love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered
And I know you’ve lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you

Marriage....

Who doesn't love a wedding...who doesn't like to pick out flowers and cake. Who doesn't like picking out rings, the dress, the colors and telling the story of how you met and how he asked you to join him in this life? Who doesn't want to join together with another human and committee their lives together, forever? Personally, I love all that. I love the wedding, I love the planning, and I love the marriage...I've been through it already in life...

All that being side the second time around is totally different then the first. It's taken many years for me to even decide if I'd want to re marry again...that's only something for me to know :) But I will tell you this; if it would ever happen again I wouldn't be getting married because I "needed" a man in my life. BUT it will be because he would see my strengths and my skills and would come alongside me and live our lives together. Besides me, walking together in this life. That's what I'd want and if that's not possible then I'll be just fine in this life.

I know and believe that no matter what happens from here on out I'll be just fine, I will be ok...I never needed a marriage to define who I was, I thought I did a long time ago. But I learned a lot about whom I was and what I wanted in this life, the cool thing is if there is a second time around then it will be with someone who's my best friend and will walk alongside me through the rest of our lives....

It would be a pretty amazing walk to say the least ;)

Weight loss: 0

Total Weight loss: -114 pounds

Country...hmm

So lately I've been listening to country music...if you know me well this is something I just don't do, never have, never liked it. Always felt like it was about some guy taking some other guys dog while he was sitting on his porch watching his lady leave in his truck while drinking a beer...yeah I could be some what right with that statement. But what I have realized while listening to it now is that it's pure, it's honest and it's telling everything that all of us want to say but don't have the nerve to say right.

I came across this song tonight and wow..it was just an eye opener for me. It's pure, it's real and it's everything that I'd want to tell someone...if you haven't heard it, check it out, Rascal Flats is really good!

I Won't Let Go

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Do you see what I see...

You see a car....I see an opportunity. Maybe you know, maybe you don't but I need a new ride. The current vehicle that I have has been more then good to me. My Jeep has been safe for me...really...it (along with a lot more things) helped save my life a few years ago when I was in a car accident. I love it...but I also don't love it. Due to the gas prices lately it's been a thorn in my side. BIG TIME. But it's also time to part ways.

All easier said then done. I can't afford another car let alone can I even think about it. I have to make due with what I have and pray that a new opportunity arises. Yesterday I was out driving and thinking...I do that a lot lately. But I was thinking about this opportunity and what I needed in my life at the moment and something hit me. Honestly I really think it was a GOD thing, HE helped clear my mind for this idea to come rushing in. As much as I'd like to share it right now, I can't. BUT the really cool thing about this idea was it is possible with the right people behind it and all the right idea's to fall into place. This opportunity is very possible.

This is one of the things I love about life. When there seems like no hope, no answers, and no outlets, something...something comes to mind, a possibility, an opportunity happens and it makes all those unknowns come to life...and once again you believe.

Think outside the box, you'd be surprised what you'd come up with!

No Routine

Boy I've been MIA with this whole blog thing lately. And I apologize because if you have ever had a moment that you think you've said that before, that just happened. Maybe I have said that line before...apologize if I have.

But now I realize what happens to your life when you have no routine...not following the rest of life as it happens, you get all out of sorts. I am totally all out of sorts right now. My focus is good, my heart is right but I am not getting back into the swing of things, the swing of my life has stopped for the moment. And it's frustrating!

I have this gym membership that I am so glad to have, love going but because of $$$ and lack of it I haven't gone since last Monday. NOT GOOD! I can totally tell how it's effecting me. I am losing that energy, that feel good energy and it's not a good thing at all.

I'm sorting out a lot of things at the moment. Not just this working out thing, but I have been doing a lot of thinking...a lot as in, that's all I find myself doing these days...thinking. It could be a good thing for most people but for me it's when the doubt starts to set in, it's when I start to second guess many of the decisions or lack of decisions in my life. I've been in this spot before and I've come out of it a stronger person, I am hoping this time around I could be wonder woman...just saying. :)

I need to get back to my routine, I won't allow my life to be stopped now, I won't allow things that have never been a problem, be a problem. I won't let this focus I once had be broken......

Weight loss: 0

Total Weight loss: -114 pounds

I'm here, I'm here.

Was given a reminder this morning that it's never my plan but it's GOD'S plan...always. I'm out of a routine so it's hard to get back into it....I know it will come, I know it will all come back together...this is just s speed bump.

Make it a great weekend.

Weight loss: 0

Total Weight loss: -114 pounds

Back at it....again

So after a week of being a slacker...ok not really a slacker, just super busy I made it back to the gym yesterday. It felt great. Today...haven't made it in, but I still have 4 more days till the new week starts :)

I have realized something about myself. I fight with me. Let me explain. Yesterday before I went to the gym I went through every reason I shouldn't, couldn't go. Each reason was petty and I fought back with a reason why I needed to. At the end, my "good" side won. I told myself that I am not doing this for anyone else, I'm not doing this for anyone's good, I am doing this for me and that I have to do it. There is NO other choice. I didn't realize that this inner battle that I am dealing with is getting louder...not just on the working out, but on a lot of areas of my life.

I'm strong, not just outward but inward. Yes I have my moments, everyone does but I made a decision long ago (a year now) that I wouldn't let myself lose the battle...the battle of negative thoughts, down talk or talking myself out of things. I am committed to the end, to the final result; I am in it to win it. YEP it's corny but it's true! I am in this to see everything through...one life, once chance, no do over’s-so get in the game and get it done. :)

Weight loss: 0

Weight loss: -114 pounds

Hello World

Hello my name is....remember me?!? Do you ever feel like you've had one of those days that you are re explaining who you are, what defines you....well that's been the case for the last 5 days. It's quiet odd really. Normally I've never been one that needs to explain who I am or what defines me. But things are REALLY changing in my life and I am doing this new "who I am" deal all the time.

I feel like this name tag, I might just get one that say's "Hello World, here I am." I'm in the middle of a juggling act and I not very good at it for the moment, but I am practicing a lot to get better. There is a song that's out by One Republic and it's called Good Life....if you haven't heard it, Google it! This is a song that I've been listening to a lot and I mean, when I am in the car it's the only song playing most of the time. But it's about mind set...it's about attitude. Everyday you make a choice...will this be a good day or not? I chose that it will be a good day everyday no matter what happens, how much rain falls and how much the thunder shakes...it's going to be a good day, a good life. So when I re introduce myself daily to this world I do it with a smile and I know that this is a good life.

Oh and today I went back to the gym for the first time in a week...I know that was a fail, but I'm back at it. I enjoyed it, pushed through it and was glad the guy next to me didn't have a heart attack...it was a little scary because he tried to run...(trust me he wasn't a runner) but he tried...but when he was finished I thought we would need to call 911...but he turned out to be ok. Be careful out there in this world....even on the treadmill. ;)

Weight loss: -1 pound

Total Weight loss: -114 pounds

Joined together

This weekend two people will get married....at this point you might be saying to yourself, "Amanda that was last weekend." Right-this wedding, the royal wedding was last weekend but I am talking about my cousin and her future husband are getting married this weekend.

Weddings! Who doesn't love a good wedding, people joining their lives together, making a commitment between each other that should never be broke. This is the ultimate sign of trust that two people will ever enter into. So much will be tested, so much will be tried and so much will be uncertain but when two people truly love each other, and their relationship with Christ is strong then marriage should be....

Ah I left you hanging didn't I? See that last sentence is something you'd have to fill in for yourself. I've been there...but it wasn't in the cards of life for it to be true, really. The trust I once had in that situation is broken and for almost 6 years I have had to re learn what trust is all about. A wedding is a great day to dress up and celebrate but the real parts starts the moment after the last guest leaves and you look at your partner and say "Now what?!” Marriage is hard on the best of days...

Lately my trust, my lessons of life are being tested...yes I'm ok with it. I am all dressed up and ready to celebrate this new journey but when all the hoopla is finished you better believe I will be saying "now what?!" And I cling to my relationship with Christ.

*Haven't worked out this week-that's a palm to the forehead...fail. Back at it on Monday. Enjoy your weekend-I'll be celebrating love!

Weight loss: -1 pound

Total Weight loss: -113 pounds

Landing....but not feet first

You've heard the saying, it will be ok because you'll land feet first...well normally that would be the case in most situations right now in my life. I'll land feet first and maybe even take off running. But right now I am ok with also landing on my "back side".

A lot is happening right now. Many unknowns, many "worried" situations but one thing I know for sure I will land, just not really sure how. I have trust, I have strength and I have faith. Those three things will help to cushion the fall that I am going through right now. Even perfect days can end in rain...and that's ok. I am learning through this whole process, I am being tested, I am being molded....and I am ok with it all.

Side note, gas prices sure make people re think what they would normally do...like go to the gym. Now I am only going to the gym if I have to be in that area for something else. It's frustrating yes because I really like going to the gym-clears my mind. But this gas price thing is becoming the new norm and we must adjust.

Weight loss: 0

Total weight loss: -112 pounds

Thread

This picture sums up how I'm feeling. All the things that I have learned, all the life lessons that I have been through have brought me to this moment. Good and bad! I almost feel like I'm on a train track facing another train coming full speed ahead right for me. It's like a battle of who will jump first. I am nervous, I have a lot of unknowns, but I also have peace, I have trust in Christ, I have strength. I can honestly say that I have no idea where my next "whatever" is going to come from. But I know that if it wasn't for all that I've been through I wouldn't be able to get through this.

I have all faith, all love, all joy, all strength, all trust that my heavenly father will never leave me or forsake me. No matter what HE won't let me fail.

Weight loss: -1 pound

Total Weight loss: -112 pounds

Still kicking

Just a quick note that I am still around, just super busy trying to put together my life all of a sudden. So much happening just not really sure how to explain it all....but I am still kicking. :) I have only worked out once this week...many things are factoring into it....and another one hit me today, $4.15 in gas! Makes you re think EVERYTHING that you do.

Hope everyone has had a good week! I promise for more updates soon.

Weight loss: 0

Total Weight loss: -112 pounds

Point

So the last 24 to 48 hours have been pretty interesting to say the least. But, BUT it's all ok. Life has a funny way of preparing you for things when you least expect it. I never realized that this past year as I was working hard at losing weight that it was really preparing me for this moment, this new journey of being prepared and dedicated. I will need to now be more determined and focused then I have ever been in my life. And I am ok with all this.

Last night I worked out, felt great. It was one of the hardest work outs I've had because I pushed myself, really pushed. I did a 6 incline and tried to maintain a speed of 3.5 speeds. But I had a hard time staying in the 3.5 speed; I eventually stayed at the 3 speed. But when I left I felt great. A little sore this morning but it's nothing that I can't over come.

Each day is going to be filled with something new, something to learn and something to figure out....I CAN'T WAIT! Let the games begin!

Weight loss: -1 pound

Total Weight loss: -112 pounds